Don't always search for something better.

I think growing up in a time where just about everything you want is a click away, we've instilled in our minds that the moment the smallest thing goes wrong we can change it right there and then and it will be better. True maybe for things like broken jewelry or a run down car, but people are not objects. As much as I wish I didn't have to admit this, I am so guilty of it. 

One of the root causes in my opinion that ruins friendships and relationships, romantic and emotional. Sure they're a great friend but isn't always available when I am while this friend is always open so I'll stop putting my time into one and hangout with other. Or sure he was a great boyfriend but theres so many other guys out there I'm sure I can find one with a better job and more money. We get so caught up in searching for something thats better than what we got, we forget to appreciate what we have and never realize the true value and potential it could have.

*BIG lesson this month.*

I've been struggling to adjust to my new life changes the past month in a half and it got to the point that I just broke down and let the weight of everything tear me down. Although, in everyone else's defense I never brought it up either because I don't like pity and I don't like the confrontation that leaves me vulnerable and in tears in front of people I love and respect. Leaving me to do the only thing I knew how to do and that was write about it. Social media has this amazing way of letting you be vulnerable behind a safe wall that avoids the face to face confrontational awkwardness..

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of love that was shared with me after I did that. From those people I see so often I forget to remind them how much I value them, people I haven't connected with in weeks, months, years that were so quick to come to my rescue. My mom who I don't spend nearly enough time with, and one of the most important ones..my boyfriend. Who probably took most the heat from my breakdown only creating a strain on our relationship that wasn't even there to begin with. Part of me was disappointed by it. I just thought to myself that they only wanted to see me or write to me out of pity and that bothered me. I don't want to have to walk around and throw pity parties in order to get people to hang around me, it didn't feel right! But looking deeper into what they were saying and how they treated me is really what opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart. That "pity" I received was all constructive, "I'm sorry you're going though this but, it's a part of growing up, its a part of life." They weren't holding my hand, complimenting me to cover up my pain..they were reminding me that I am at a turning point in my life where it's normal to lose touch with certain people and start a more "routine" life. Where you may start to see people less but you shouldn't let the inevitable fate of growing up make you throw out everything good that you have. Not that I can't have fun with friends and keep things exciting with my boyfriend, those moments are just shared differently than before. I couldn't be more thankful for that reminder. Who better to take advice about growing up from than people who have all gone through the same thing?? I can honestly tell you that every person who I've spoke with since then have all said they went though the exact same thing. I mean, it only makes sense..you spend your whole life going through school with the same people..you go to college and have roommates that you see everyday and constantly have events going on and people around, to graduating or leaving school finding work in different states and cities and countries..we all go our separate ways and that's just this crazy thing called life. 

I need to stop searching on how to replace everything difficult and learn to challenge myself to appreciate and adjust to everything I already have. I need to speak up and confront my fears and challenges before it builds up and breaks me down, its okay not to be okay 100% of the time. All of my amazing friends are still amazing friends, we've just all reached this point at a different time. They are away or taking classes or work 30-40+ hours a week or have houses to clean, kids to take care of, families that need them and spouses they need quality time with. Some even going through exactly what I am but too felt like they had nobody to talk with. I need to go see family, blood or not as much as I can, as much as I'm growing up so are they. Family has an amazing way of making everything feel okay even if just for that moment. I need to appreciate my boyfriend for all of his dedication and hard work, I can proudly say in my whole entire life I have never seen someone so dedicated and willing to something that at days has him wanting to pull his hair out. Grateful that he works so hard so he can build a strong future. A rare exception to someone searching for something better..when things get hard he searches for how to make that situation better, not just leave it. Or my favorite line of his, "stop worrying, I'm not going anywhere" followed by his million dollar smile, crazy tight hug and kiss on my forehead..simple, sassy, but full of so much meaning to someone who came from a disposable background of people giving up.

Truly from the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has opened my eyes to reality. Taking my irrational breakdown and showing me that it's completely normal. It's not the end of the world, my world is just changing. Change is good and I find myself excited for the challenges I have to face because if I wasn't having these obstacles I know that I'm not allowing myself to grow. A wise man once said, "If you look at the world when you are 50 the same way you looked at it when you were 20 and it hasn’t changed, then you have wasted 30 years of your life" -Muhammed Ali. You've showered me with knowledge and an over abundance of love that gives me the confidence in myself that has been lacking. I am so incredibly lucky and I promise I will be sure to recognize that.

until next time.

xo

To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

More than a pet

     They have the ability to make you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and then turn around and put you on the highest high you’ve ever felt, and it’s usually all within five minutes of each other.

My cat is the most preppy, annoying and loudest cat I have ever encountered. He won’t drink his water if it’s been sitting out all day so he would rather stick his head in when I shower and lick when it drips off the faucet to later freak out that his head is all wet.  He climbs up on the counter when I brush my teeth so he can drink the running water and you would think after spitting my toothpaste on him multiple times (not on purpose) he would learn that’s not the best decision. When I take him outside he prefers to just sit on the porch because he hates the way the grass feels under his paws, and don’t get me started on the way he shakes and flickers when he gets dirt on him. Ugh, and his me[OW]! In the morning, at night, when I’m leaving, when I get home, when I’m showering, when I’m in a different room than him, when I stop petting him, when I don’t take him outside with me, and my personal favorite, when im sleeping..HE IS MEOWING. It’s not your cute little kitten meow either, it’s a high pitched screech that gets old..reaaaally fast. He drives me absolutely insane!

     Aside from all of these though, he is the cutest, friendliest, cuddliest, handsome, adorable, loving cat I’ve ever known! I mean, just LOOK AT HIM!   I can’t be upset when he wakes me up gently caressing my face with his soft paws like he’s saying, “mommy wake up it’s time for work!” its so innocent!
I think he consumes more space on my phone than I do, and anybody who knows me know that I save just about every picture and snapchat I take, the ultimate picture hoarder, and he wins hands down. He’s always there to greet me at the door when I come home and I tell you what, when I’m having a rough day seeing his white little sockies come running to me the moment I open the door is so heartwarming and he never misses a day! My bed contains more cat hair then mine...good thing I’m not allergic (sorry Austin).. His favorite place to sleep is snuggled up right in the crease of my neck, and even though it’s usually 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. The amount of comfort and love he makes me feel just by simply jumping up on my lap and instantly purring is overwhelmingly the best form of butterflies I have ever got.

      They’re a lot of work, they stink, they’re loud, they’re destructive and they skip to your last button without pushing the others, but they fill you with so much love and loyalty that makes it all worth it.

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawaken

                                                                                                                                -Anatole France

until next time.

xo

You got the boy, I got the man.

     You were the love of his life, the girl he imagined growing old with. The words “I love you” spilled off of his lips and filled your ears. I envy you. For a while I feared you. In the back of my mind I find myself questioning my actions...is this how you would have reacted? Does his family wish she was here instead of me? Does he miss her..? You’re the girl he got to experience so much with, the years of minimal responsibilities and nothing but free time. You are the girl that he will compare the rest to because he loved you…and you broke him.

    That enlarged, tender heart surrounded by walls of steal afraid of commitment. The other girls he spent the night with in the hopes of feeling, but instead left them confused and in tears. The multiple “I love you’s” he’s told in hopes that when another says it back, it would all make sense.  The lips that can’t hold a kiss because he fears they taste of someone else. The exhaustion of searching for someone to love who he was and what he has become and fill the crack in his heart that he can’t seem to, left by you.

     For weeks I feared of saying the wrong thing, and trying to contain that overly obnoxious laugh I have. I always needed a full face of make-up and make sure I dressed to impress. Social media covered my flawed body with filters and props. Any wrong move I made would just make him realize it was you he still wanted.  I needed to be perfect for the person I never imagined I would get to know.

And then the craziest thing happened..

     I found myself lying in bed in an oversized sweatshirt, my hair a mess and my make-up worn, singing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and watching multiple episodes of Lip Sync Battle, laughing so hard I snorted out loud. I stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my face while looking me in the eyes and let the words “You are so beautiful” roll off his tongue, and [trying] to seal it with a kiss. I pulled back in complete shock that someone could look at me in a time I consider my worst and think I could be beautiful. My only reaction was to just laugh and shrug it off but when our eyes connected my heart raced at the way he looked at me and it was then we shared our first kiss. Although I have yet to tell him this…in that very moment, I understood love at first sight.

     We stayed up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories and stealing kisses. His eyes we’re filled with secrets and pain that made my urge to fill them with happiness ignite. From that night on, I didn’t want another day to pass without him in my life.

     Although there’s distance between us, every time I’m greeted with a million dollar smile and a hug that warms my body. Every morning I wake up to a message from him saying he hopes I have a great day, every day I hear how beautiful I am to him and how excited for the next time we will see each other, and every night we’re apart he calls me before bed to tell me goodnight just because he misses the sound of my voice. Flowers of my favorite color, gifts of my favorite candies and sentimental value, and notes left behind for me to find at unexpected times. He has filled my heart with more love than I believed I was ever worthy of.

     So I want to extend a thank you to you wherever you are, for breaking the very heart that I spend every day repairing. To the pain and hurt you caused a man that I could never imagine hurting the way you did, thank you for leaving him so I can have this chance.

until next time.
xo