This past August I chose to make a huge life change and accepted a job two hours away from where I was currently living. Not that I was unhappy with where I was, but with school soon coming to an end for me and looking to find a job that I could make a career, my thirst for my future was strong enough I would have gone anywhere. Now this location is no random place, its actually in the town I grew up in and longed to return to. My friends are here, my boyfriend is here, people I considered family, and an amazing opportunity with a well-known company that I was honored to be asked to become a part of. There was no hesitation at accepting the position.
Alike myself, those friends have everyday jobs and other obligations..no way they would stop those just cause I'm back. They all have gone 6 years without me here, creating lives that didn't involve me and wouldn't realize I'm missing out because I haven't wanted to be included until now. Connecting with friends is much easier when you can post on their wall or shoot them a text every few months. That classic agreement to the "we need to get together soon" phrase and then those plans fall through. The commitment of actually taking time out of our "busy" days seemed impossible.
My boyfriend has a crazy extensive and demanding job. He generally crawls into bed at 10:30pm and leaves it at 5:30am and has out of town trips, so we still only really get to spend quality time once or twice a week. He comes home and gets an earful of my day good, bad and every emotion that goes through my mind. He is bombarded with questions of me asking for details on his day but he ends up being so exhausted I'm left with answers like, "work was work" or "it was fine". I lack those other outlets so he alone is left with the burden of my overactive mouth. Feeling like an annoyance, our conversations are limited because I don't want my problems to become a problem of our relationship, potentially pushing out the only person I currently have here.
My job...I LOVE my new job..I really do but starting a new job alone everyone knows is a work in progress. So excited for my role, I was hit with reality when I realized how extensive the work would include and come home mentally exhausted every night. Thankfully, I have nothing better to do with my time then focus on work so I find myself day by day getting more comfortable in my role and fitting in so well, reassuring me that the decision I made to come here was the right one.
I miss my old friends. I miss having someone I can ask to go get ice cream with late at night because id do anything to get out of studying. I miss being able to just show up at my friends apartment looking homeless and lay around with them talking about everything under the sun because I've had a bad day and don't want to be alone. Not that I can't still see my old friends, the convenience of having them here when I need them just got more difficult...I miss how excited my boyfriend was to talk about my day with me and how much he looked forward to spending time with me because we hardly got to see each other. Now he knows a majority of my conversations are frustration and sadness and that's not exactly what someone wants to hear after a full day of extensive work. Not that I love him less or I am angry with him for not fulfilling my loneliness, I understand that can get frustrating everyday. I just think that there was always something new and exciting when we finally got to see each other and in my bad moments I had my girls...he never had to see this side of me. I think seeing each other on a more frequent basis creates a more routine relationship that takes away from that excitement, and his inability (not a diss, most guys struggle with this) to understand my array of emotions that he never had to deal with before forces me to keep struggles and my bad days to myself...the town is the same as when I left it but the people sure have changed.
I never imagined to fell like I don't belong in my hometown.
All of these things will progressively get better with time I'm sure, and really hope they do..its just hard setting such high exceptions that only leave me feeling defeated. I was looking forward to this huge change, but change is hard. Trying to put up these walls and have such a hard exterior and look okay that Im only going to end up ruining myself from the inside out knowing that if I leave it built up too long my small crack will eventually explode leaving a mess without an easy clean up. So this is my crack..because writing a post in a blog that nobody reads is a way that allows me to lift some of that weight of from my shoulders.
*taking deep breathes *
until next time.
xo
