Don't always search for something better.

I think growing up in a time where just about everything you want is a click away, we've instilled in our minds that the moment the smallest thing goes wrong we can change it right there and then and it will be better. True maybe for things like broken jewelry or a run down car, but people are not objects. As much as I wish I didn't have to admit this, I am so guilty of it. 

One of the root causes in my opinion that ruins friendships and relationships, romantic and emotional. Sure they're a great friend but isn't always available when I am while this friend is always open so I'll stop putting my time into one and hangout with other. Or sure he was a great boyfriend but theres so many other guys out there I'm sure I can find one with a better job and more money. We get so caught up in searching for something thats better than what we got, we forget to appreciate what we have and never realize the true value and potential it could have.

*BIG lesson this month.*

I've been struggling to adjust to my new life changes the past month in a half and it got to the point that I just broke down and let the weight of everything tear me down. Although, in everyone else's defense I never brought it up either because I don't like pity and I don't like the confrontation that leaves me vulnerable and in tears in front of people I love and respect. Leaving me to do the only thing I knew how to do and that was write about it. Social media has this amazing way of letting you be vulnerable behind a safe wall that avoids the face to face confrontational awkwardness..

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of love that was shared with me after I did that. From those people I see so often I forget to remind them how much I value them, people I haven't connected with in weeks, months, years that were so quick to come to my rescue. My mom who I don't spend nearly enough time with, and one of the most important ones..my boyfriend. Who probably took most the heat from my breakdown only creating a strain on our relationship that wasn't even there to begin with. Part of me was disappointed by it. I just thought to myself that they only wanted to see me or write to me out of pity and that bothered me. I don't want to have to walk around and throw pity parties in order to get people to hang around me, it didn't feel right! But looking deeper into what they were saying and how they treated me is really what opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart. That "pity" I received was all constructive, "I'm sorry you're going though this but, it's a part of growing up, its a part of life." They weren't holding my hand, complimenting me to cover up my pain..they were reminding me that I am at a turning point in my life where it's normal to lose touch with certain people and start a more "routine" life. Where you may start to see people less but you shouldn't let the inevitable fate of growing up make you throw out everything good that you have. Not that I can't have fun with friends and keep things exciting with my boyfriend, those moments are just shared differently than before. I couldn't be more thankful for that reminder. Who better to take advice about growing up from than people who have all gone through the same thing?? I can honestly tell you that every person who I've spoke with since then have all said they went though the exact same thing. I mean, it only makes sense..you spend your whole life going through school with the same people..you go to college and have roommates that you see everyday and constantly have events going on and people around, to graduating or leaving school finding work in different states and cities and countries..we all go our separate ways and that's just this crazy thing called life. 

I need to stop searching on how to replace everything difficult and learn to challenge myself to appreciate and adjust to everything I already have. I need to speak up and confront my fears and challenges before it builds up and breaks me down, its okay not to be okay 100% of the time. All of my amazing friends are still amazing friends, we've just all reached this point at a different time. They are away or taking classes or work 30-40+ hours a week or have houses to clean, kids to take care of, families that need them and spouses they need quality time with. Some even going through exactly what I am but too felt like they had nobody to talk with. I need to go see family, blood or not as much as I can, as much as I'm growing up so are they. Family has an amazing way of making everything feel okay even if just for that moment. I need to appreciate my boyfriend for all of his dedication and hard work, I can proudly say in my whole entire life I have never seen someone so dedicated and willing to something that at days has him wanting to pull his hair out. Grateful that he works so hard so he can build a strong future. A rare exception to someone searching for something better..when things get hard he searches for how to make that situation better, not just leave it. Or my favorite line of his, "stop worrying, I'm not going anywhere" followed by his million dollar smile, crazy tight hug and kiss on my forehead..simple, sassy, but full of so much meaning to someone who came from a disposable background of people giving up.

Truly from the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has opened my eyes to reality. Taking my irrational breakdown and showing me that it's completely normal. It's not the end of the world, my world is just changing. Change is good and I find myself excited for the challenges I have to face because if I wasn't having these obstacles I know that I'm not allowing myself to grow. A wise man once said, "If you look at the world when you are 50 the same way you looked at it when you were 20 and it hasn’t changed, then you have wasted 30 years of your life" -Muhammed Ali. You've showered me with knowledge and an over abundance of love that gives me the confidence in myself that has been lacking. I am so incredibly lucky and I promise I will be sure to recognize that.

until next time.

xo

Relationships shouldn't be fair, they should be worth it.

Sacrifice (sac.ri.fice; noun) - the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.

    Something I have always struggled with is giving more than I am given, but looking at it all ass backwards. Growing up in a society where everything you do needs a post followed by a lot of likes in order to hold value to you really messes with your self-confidence. I am so guilty of this toxic feeling. Not that you shouldn’t post pictures, videos and status, you just shouldn’t let them control your happiness. I take pictures of everything; everywhere I go for the memories so I can look back and relive them all over again. It’s a habit of mine that I never want to get over because people in pictures can change while the memories remain the same. My problem isn’t the pictures I take, it’s getting so wrapped up in the idea of how people will react to the post that follows the memory I forget to enjoy it in that moment. I love bragging, and sharing all these amazing moments I have that if the other doesn’t post about it in the way that I do I feel like my presence wasn’t worth the attention to them. How shaded can I get?! Validation for my relationship shouldn’t be competitive, I shouldn’t be looking for clarity through a social media post and if that’s what I’m basing my relationship off from maybe I’m not ready to be in one.

   Everybody knows that 50+50=100 but relationships aren’t a math equation; both sides should be giving 100% at all time regardless of how different each ones “all in” is. I read a quote once that went like this,

      “I gave you $10, he gave you $20. You felt that he was better just because he gave you more, but he had $200, and all I had was $10.” 
   
     That’s when it hit me, not everybody loves the same way you do and if they don’t you worry it’s not there. Just because someone isn’t posting about you on their social media accounts every time you’re together doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy your company. If you buy your significant other a really expensive gift and they don’t buy one at equal value it doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much. There’s always going to be days here and there where you’re going to feel like you’re doing more than the other but that doesn’t mean you should stop what you’re doing in order to make it more “fair”. What matters most is how you treat each other when social media and other outside factors aren’t involved.

     If seeing the one you love makes your heart race a little faster, your smile a little brighter, and your stomach sore the next day from all the laughs you’ve share you’re already more fortunate than a lot of other people. Just because you’re not that week’s #MCM or #WCW doesn’t mean they’re not crushing on you every other day of the week. Just because things look peachy keen on social media doesn’t mean it’s filled with love behind closed doors and just because things aren’t posted all over for everyone else to see doesn’t mean there isn’t love outside of social media platforms. A successful and happy relationship is about someone who fights for what’s real when things get tough, it’s about someone who pushes you to be a better person than you are today and wants to help you reach your goals. A relationship is between two people, not you and how the world reacts to how you look to them.

     When you’ve been fortunate enough as I have to find someone that fills your heart without the constant, daily post and makes you realize the difference in value of their presence versus presents…you will find yourself realizing how little the thought of others bothers you. Give each other compassion, commitment, laughs, lots of kisses, cuddles, criticism when needed, a helping hand, support, memories and love. You will have a relationship far more valuable than a picture with hundreds of likes.

until next time.

xo