Relationships shouldn't be fair, they should be worth it.

Sacrifice (sac.ri.fice; noun) - the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.

    Something I have always struggled with is giving more than I am given, but looking at it all ass backwards. Growing up in a society where everything you do needs a post followed by a lot of likes in order to hold value to you really messes with your self-confidence. I am so guilty of this toxic feeling. Not that you shouldn’t post pictures, videos and status, you just shouldn’t let them control your happiness. I take pictures of everything; everywhere I go for the memories so I can look back and relive them all over again. It’s a habit of mine that I never want to get over because people in pictures can change while the memories remain the same. My problem isn’t the pictures I take, it’s getting so wrapped up in the idea of how people will react to the post that follows the memory I forget to enjoy it in that moment. I love bragging, and sharing all these amazing moments I have that if the other doesn’t post about it in the way that I do I feel like my presence wasn’t worth the attention to them. How shaded can I get?! Validation for my relationship shouldn’t be competitive, I shouldn’t be looking for clarity through a social media post and if that’s what I’m basing my relationship off from maybe I’m not ready to be in one.

   Everybody knows that 50+50=100 but relationships aren’t a math equation; both sides should be giving 100% at all time regardless of how different each ones “all in” is. I read a quote once that went like this,

      “I gave you $10, he gave you $20. You felt that he was better just because he gave you more, but he had $200, and all I had was $10.” 
   
     That’s when it hit me, not everybody loves the same way you do and if they don’t you worry it’s not there. Just because someone isn’t posting about you on their social media accounts every time you’re together doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy your company. If you buy your significant other a really expensive gift and they don’t buy one at equal value it doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much. There’s always going to be days here and there where you’re going to feel like you’re doing more than the other but that doesn’t mean you should stop what you’re doing in order to make it more “fair”. What matters most is how you treat each other when social media and other outside factors aren’t involved.

     If seeing the one you love makes your heart race a little faster, your smile a little brighter, and your stomach sore the next day from all the laughs you’ve share you’re already more fortunate than a lot of other people. Just because you’re not that week’s #MCM or #WCW doesn’t mean they’re not crushing on you every other day of the week. Just because things look peachy keen on social media doesn’t mean it’s filled with love behind closed doors and just because things aren’t posted all over for everyone else to see doesn’t mean there isn’t love outside of social media platforms. A successful and happy relationship is about someone who fights for what’s real when things get tough, it’s about someone who pushes you to be a better person than you are today and wants to help you reach your goals. A relationship is between two people, not you and how the world reacts to how you look to them.

     When you’ve been fortunate enough as I have to find someone that fills your heart without the constant, daily post and makes you realize the difference in value of their presence versus presents…you will find yourself realizing how little the thought of others bothers you. Give each other compassion, commitment, laughs, lots of kisses, cuddles, criticism when needed, a helping hand, support, memories and love. You will have a relationship far more valuable than a picture with hundreds of likes.

until next time.

xo

To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

To my work best friend

     We bonded over awkward break room lunches, customer stories and our love for sarcasm. My over excitement and inability to be quiet and do nothing really evens out your RBF syndrome (it’s something you’re born with, I know you’re not reaaaally that bad) and thrill of sitting at home binge watching Netflix. 

     

      I was scared of you at first, you were really quiet and seemed to be the first out the door when the day was over, but it turns out we had a lot more in common than we thought. We have the same taste in music, share celebrity crushes, hate to love the Kardashians, we’re obsessed with Chinese food, wear the same shoe size and can conveniently fit into each other’s clothing. I’ve worked with you for 2 years now and almost daily we spend our lunches jamming out to trap music and the occasional Justin Bieber, eating Panera salads and fueling our shopping addiction. We’ve got to the point of knowing exactly what one is think just by our facial expressions and having code words and names for everything.  I spend more time with you than any other person in my life and we still choose to see each other outside of work..how you’re not sick of me yet is a mystery I hope I never solve. I can confide in you with anything and you always know the right thing to say and sometimes it’s nothing at all. You make me read the fine print when I’m online shopping and make sure to make fun of me when I order something from China that probably won’t come until 2020. You send me all the cat photos because you know how much I love cats and our text messages are completely consumed by inappropriate memes and links to celebrity gossip articles. Constantly pulling my head up on the days I want it to drag and making sure I get a little extra expresso in my coffee on long, early mornings. You help me grow everyday as a person, make work a place I look forward to going to everyday (so stop taking vacation days without me), calm me when I’m frustrated and always listen when I have more than an earful to say. We share laughs, frustrations, secrets, lunches, clothes and most importantly memories.

Thank you for making work not seem like work at all.

until next time.

xo