To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

You got the boy, I got the man.

     You were the love of his life, the girl he imagined growing old with. The words “I love you” spilled off of his lips and filled your ears. I envy you. For a while I feared you. In the back of my mind I find myself questioning my actions...is this how you would have reacted? Does his family wish she was here instead of me? Does he miss her..? You’re the girl he got to experience so much with, the years of minimal responsibilities and nothing but free time. You are the girl that he will compare the rest to because he loved you…and you broke him.

    That enlarged, tender heart surrounded by walls of steal afraid of commitment. The other girls he spent the night with in the hopes of feeling, but instead left them confused and in tears. The multiple “I love you’s” he’s told in hopes that when another says it back, it would all make sense.  The lips that can’t hold a kiss because he fears they taste of someone else. The exhaustion of searching for someone to love who he was and what he has become and fill the crack in his heart that he can’t seem to, left by you.

     For weeks I feared of saying the wrong thing, and trying to contain that overly obnoxious laugh I have. I always needed a full face of make-up and make sure I dressed to impress. Social media covered my flawed body with filters and props. Any wrong move I made would just make him realize it was you he still wanted.  I needed to be perfect for the person I never imagined I would get to know.

And then the craziest thing happened..

     I found myself lying in bed in an oversized sweatshirt, my hair a mess and my make-up worn, singing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and watching multiple episodes of Lip Sync Battle, laughing so hard I snorted out loud. I stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my face while looking me in the eyes and let the words “You are so beautiful” roll off his tongue, and [trying] to seal it with a kiss. I pulled back in complete shock that someone could look at me in a time I consider my worst and think I could be beautiful. My only reaction was to just laugh and shrug it off but when our eyes connected my heart raced at the way he looked at me and it was then we shared our first kiss. Although I have yet to tell him this…in that very moment, I understood love at first sight.

     We stayed up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories and stealing kisses. His eyes we’re filled with secrets and pain that made my urge to fill them with happiness ignite. From that night on, I didn’t want another day to pass without him in my life.

     Although there’s distance between us, every time I’m greeted with a million dollar smile and a hug that warms my body. Every morning I wake up to a message from him saying he hopes I have a great day, every day I hear how beautiful I am to him and how excited for the next time we will see each other, and every night we’re apart he calls me before bed to tell me goodnight just because he misses the sound of my voice. Flowers of my favorite color, gifts of my favorite candies and sentimental value, and notes left behind for me to find at unexpected times. He has filled my heart with more love than I believed I was ever worthy of.

     So I want to extend a thank you to you wherever you are, for breaking the very heart that I spend every day repairing. To the pain and hurt you caused a man that I could never imagine hurting the way you did, thank you for leaving him so I can have this chance.

until next time.
xo