Don't always search for something better.

I think growing up in a time where just about everything you want is a click away, we've instilled in our minds that the moment the smallest thing goes wrong we can change it right there and then and it will be better. True maybe for things like broken jewelry or a run down car, but people are not objects. As much as I wish I didn't have to admit this, I am so guilty of it. 

One of the root causes in my opinion that ruins friendships and relationships, romantic and emotional. Sure they're a great friend but isn't always available when I am while this friend is always open so I'll stop putting my time into one and hangout with other. Or sure he was a great boyfriend but theres so many other guys out there I'm sure I can find one with a better job and more money. We get so caught up in searching for something thats better than what we got, we forget to appreciate what we have and never realize the true value and potential it could have.

*BIG lesson this month.*

I've been struggling to adjust to my new life changes the past month in a half and it got to the point that I just broke down and let the weight of everything tear me down. Although, in everyone else's defense I never brought it up either because I don't like pity and I don't like the confrontation that leaves me vulnerable and in tears in front of people I love and respect. Leaving me to do the only thing I knew how to do and that was write about it. Social media has this amazing way of letting you be vulnerable behind a safe wall that avoids the face to face confrontational awkwardness..

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of love that was shared with me after I did that. From those people I see so often I forget to remind them how much I value them, people I haven't connected with in weeks, months, years that were so quick to come to my rescue. My mom who I don't spend nearly enough time with, and one of the most important ones..my boyfriend. Who probably took most the heat from my breakdown only creating a strain on our relationship that wasn't even there to begin with. Part of me was disappointed by it. I just thought to myself that they only wanted to see me or write to me out of pity and that bothered me. I don't want to have to walk around and throw pity parties in order to get people to hang around me, it didn't feel right! But looking deeper into what they were saying and how they treated me is really what opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart. That "pity" I received was all constructive, "I'm sorry you're going though this but, it's a part of growing up, its a part of life." They weren't holding my hand, complimenting me to cover up my pain..they were reminding me that I am at a turning point in my life where it's normal to lose touch with certain people and start a more "routine" life. Where you may start to see people less but you shouldn't let the inevitable fate of growing up make you throw out everything good that you have. Not that I can't have fun with friends and keep things exciting with my boyfriend, those moments are just shared differently than before. I couldn't be more thankful for that reminder. Who better to take advice about growing up from than people who have all gone through the same thing?? I can honestly tell you that every person who I've spoke with since then have all said they went though the exact same thing. I mean, it only makes sense..you spend your whole life going through school with the same people..you go to college and have roommates that you see everyday and constantly have events going on and people around, to graduating or leaving school finding work in different states and cities and countries..we all go our separate ways and that's just this crazy thing called life. 

I need to stop searching on how to replace everything difficult and learn to challenge myself to appreciate and adjust to everything I already have. I need to speak up and confront my fears and challenges before it builds up and breaks me down, its okay not to be okay 100% of the time. All of my amazing friends are still amazing friends, we've just all reached this point at a different time. They are away or taking classes or work 30-40+ hours a week or have houses to clean, kids to take care of, families that need them and spouses they need quality time with. Some even going through exactly what I am but too felt like they had nobody to talk with. I need to go see family, blood or not as much as I can, as much as I'm growing up so are they. Family has an amazing way of making everything feel okay even if just for that moment. I need to appreciate my boyfriend for all of his dedication and hard work, I can proudly say in my whole entire life I have never seen someone so dedicated and willing to something that at days has him wanting to pull his hair out. Grateful that he works so hard so he can build a strong future. A rare exception to someone searching for something better..when things get hard he searches for how to make that situation better, not just leave it. Or my favorite line of his, "stop worrying, I'm not going anywhere" followed by his million dollar smile, crazy tight hug and kiss on my forehead..simple, sassy, but full of so much meaning to someone who came from a disposable background of people giving up.

Truly from the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has opened my eyes to reality. Taking my irrational breakdown and showing me that it's completely normal. It's not the end of the world, my world is just changing. Change is good and I find myself excited for the challenges I have to face because if I wasn't having these obstacles I know that I'm not allowing myself to grow. A wise man once said, "If you look at the world when you are 50 the same way you looked at it when you were 20 and it hasn’t changed, then you have wasted 30 years of your life" -Muhammed Ali. You've showered me with knowledge and an over abundance of love that gives me the confidence in myself that has been lacking. I am so incredibly lucky and I promise I will be sure to recognize that.

until next time.

xo

Relationships shouldn't be fair, they should be worth it.

Sacrifice (sac.ri.fice; noun) - the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.

    Something I have always struggled with is giving more than I am given, but looking at it all ass backwards. Growing up in a society where everything you do needs a post followed by a lot of likes in order to hold value to you really messes with your self-confidence. I am so guilty of this toxic feeling. Not that you shouldn’t post pictures, videos and status, you just shouldn’t let them control your happiness. I take pictures of everything; everywhere I go for the memories so I can look back and relive them all over again. It’s a habit of mine that I never want to get over because people in pictures can change while the memories remain the same. My problem isn’t the pictures I take, it’s getting so wrapped up in the idea of how people will react to the post that follows the memory I forget to enjoy it in that moment. I love bragging, and sharing all these amazing moments I have that if the other doesn’t post about it in the way that I do I feel like my presence wasn’t worth the attention to them. How shaded can I get?! Validation for my relationship shouldn’t be competitive, I shouldn’t be looking for clarity through a social media post and if that’s what I’m basing my relationship off from maybe I’m not ready to be in one.

   Everybody knows that 50+50=100 but relationships aren’t a math equation; both sides should be giving 100% at all time regardless of how different each ones “all in” is. I read a quote once that went like this,

      “I gave you $10, he gave you $20. You felt that he was better just because he gave you more, but he had $200, and all I had was $10.” 
   
     That’s when it hit me, not everybody loves the same way you do and if they don’t you worry it’s not there. Just because someone isn’t posting about you on their social media accounts every time you’re together doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy your company. If you buy your significant other a really expensive gift and they don’t buy one at equal value it doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much. There’s always going to be days here and there where you’re going to feel like you’re doing more than the other but that doesn’t mean you should stop what you’re doing in order to make it more “fair”. What matters most is how you treat each other when social media and other outside factors aren’t involved.

     If seeing the one you love makes your heart race a little faster, your smile a little brighter, and your stomach sore the next day from all the laughs you’ve share you’re already more fortunate than a lot of other people. Just because you’re not that week’s #MCM or #WCW doesn’t mean they’re not crushing on you every other day of the week. Just because things look peachy keen on social media doesn’t mean it’s filled with love behind closed doors and just because things aren’t posted all over for everyone else to see doesn’t mean there isn’t love outside of social media platforms. A successful and happy relationship is about someone who fights for what’s real when things get tough, it’s about someone who pushes you to be a better person than you are today and wants to help you reach your goals. A relationship is between two people, not you and how the world reacts to how you look to them.

     When you’ve been fortunate enough as I have to find someone that fills your heart without the constant, daily post and makes you realize the difference in value of their presence versus presents…you will find yourself realizing how little the thought of others bothers you. Give each other compassion, commitment, laughs, lots of kisses, cuddles, criticism when needed, a helping hand, support, memories and love. You will have a relationship far more valuable than a picture with hundreds of likes.

until next time.

xo

To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

Tomorrow could be the someday you've been waiting for.

"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good,  enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either."

   Im sure we have all had an event in our life that we never thought we would get over. Good and bad, happy and sad. I think thats what makes life so beautiful. Sometimes we need the bad things in life in order to appreciate the good. Unfortunately some of us have experienced more bad than good, and some even worse than bad. I promise you,  you're going to be okay. 

Now, what do I know right? I'm just a girl in her 20's I couldn't possible know the value of a moment, but I would like to share a short story with you guys. 

   In the year 2011 I lost one of my brothers and it was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to go through in my life. There were times I never thought it would get better, I started falling behind in school I didn't keep in good touch with my friends, I distanced myself from family and started getting involved with things I shouldn't have. There was so much negative I let take over my life at that time. I didn't want life to go on, I didn't want to grow up and get better and do all these things that he could no longer do because I didn't feel that it was fair. One day when I was going through our memories on Facebook, I came across a comment that he made to me..

"You make me so proud with your accomplishments, you are growing into a beautiful woman don't let anyone tell you different."

One comment was all it took to make me realize I was only hurting myself. Sure you grieve your lost ones out of respect but at this point I was hurting my future and relationships with other people. All the things I stopped doing were all the things he loved me for. He was proud of my success and my will to succeed and I was letting him down by throwing it all away. It was time to stop throwing it away and use his belief in me as motivation. Now, getting back on my feet was SO hard. People you pushed away weren't all there, the things in school we were learning weren't put on pause until I was ready to come back, the whole world was moving on without me. Coming back to reality was such a struggle I'll tell you that. I took a long time to finally get to a point where I could say that I was genuinely happy again and some days felt like I never would but, I did it.

No matter the severity of the situation you are going through, don't give up on yourself. There are people who love you and want to help you. Please never be ashamed to ask for help, you're not weak. You are strong and I admire you for asking, honestly. A smile on the outside can only mask a problem for so long. Don't let this control you. You may no longer be the same person you used to be, things change, people change, times change but I know that with the help of our loved ones and your own personal will to be better, you will make it.

You are never alone.

To this day everything I do aside from for myself I do for my brother. I now have an amazing job I am grateful for, I'm taking classes to better my education and I'm always willing to help others when they feel alone. He believed so much in me and the future I can have for myself that it motivates me to make him and the rest of my family proud. Losing him put such a strain on my life but it has taught me to appreciate so much more. My family is so important and I should never miss an opportunity to spend time with them and show them how much they mean to me. I have amazing friends who would do anything for me as I would do the same. It taught me that you have to find the light inside of you whether its a glowing beam or a dim shimmer and let it burst. I share my story so you don't end yours.  

until next time

xo.