To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

Putting yourself first without being selfish: 5 tips everyone should know

You can never seem to please everybody that you want to, so stop trying! You don’t want people to hate you because it’s uncomfortable, but ask yourself if you want someone to like you for being someone other than who you are…? NO!

• Don’t spread yourself too thin.

I’m so guilty of this, never wanting to say no. You feel like you’re letting people down and missing out. Don’t worry, that bar night you miss won’t matter because everyone’s going to wake up and not remember you were gone.  If you don’t want to go on that summer trip, don’t go! They’re inviting you because they want you to have fun, not so you can be miserable the whole time. You can be friends with people and not have 100% same interest.

• If something said bothers you, tell them.

If your friends are making a joke of a mistake you made in your past that bothers you, or an insecurity about yourself..TELL THEM! If you just laugh it off every time or bring the joke up yourself, they aren’t going to have any idea that it even bothers you; they can’t read your mind. Speak up!

•  Don’t let someone you don’t like stop you from having fun.

I think every group of friends has at least 2 people who don’t get along with each other. Just because you don’t like somebody doesn’t mean all your friends have to dislike them too believe it or not. Don’t get so offended when someone invites them to a gathering because they’re friends, that person probably feels the same way because you’re there. You don’t have to go out of your way to speak to them just like you don’t have to go out of your way to let them know you’re unhappy they’re there. Don’t let one person you’re arguing with ruin opportunities to hang out with your friends!

•  Don’t always take yourself so serious.

I’m 20 years old, I never fail to cry when Mufasa dies, I stick my tongue out more than I smile in pictures, I find myself jamming out to the occasional Hannah Montana soundtrack using my brush as a microphone and I will gladly make a fool of myself to put a smile on other people’s faces. I make ridiculous jokes just because I think they’re punny and laugh at them so you don’t have to. If you can’t have fun and laugh at yourself you need a reality check. Stop taking everything so serious! Laughing is good for the soul!

•  Don't forget to hang out with your parents

No, my mom is not my best friend but she has better intentions for me than some people I’ve       known for years and she’s actually kind of funny. The older you get the more important you realize your parents are to you. You will appreciate every moment you spend with them when they're gone. It’s going to be okay missing out on something to spend time with your parents instead.

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter

until next time.

xo