If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

Easier said than done, am I right?

This past August I chose to make a huge life change and accepted a job two hours away from where I was currently living. Not that I was unhappy with where I was, but with school soon coming to an end for me and looking to find a job that I could make a career, my thirst for my future was strong enough I would have gone anywhere. Now this location is no random place, its actually in the town I grew up in and longed to return to. My friends are here, my boyfriend is here,  people I considered family, and an amazing opportunity with a well-known company that I was honored to be asked to become a part of. There was no hesitation at accepting the position. 

That being said, my expectations were so incredibly high to come back. In my mind everything would pick up exactly where they left off but only better. My friends and I could drive now and are all 21+ so we would see each other anytime we wanted and our options were limitless. I would go from seeing my boyfriend once a week or once every two weeks to seeing him everyday and my world would be all rainbows and butterflies and I would live happily ever after.. well, I am no princess and life is definitely no fairytale. Thinking it out loud now I can't believe how naive I was..

Alike myself, those friends have everyday jobs and other obligations..no way they would stop those just cause I'm back. They all have gone 6 years without me here, creating lives that didn't involve me and wouldn't realize I'm missing out because I haven't wanted to be included until now. Connecting with friends is much easier when you can post on their wall or shoot them a text every few months. That classic agreement to the "we need to get together soon" phrase and then those plans fall through.  The commitment of actually taking time out of our "busy" days seemed impossible.

My boyfriend has a crazy extensive and demanding job. He generally crawls into bed at 10:30pm and leaves it at 5:30am and has out of town trips, so we still only really get to spend quality time once or twice a week. He comes home and gets an earful of my day good, bad and every emotion that goes through my mind. He is bombarded with questions of me asking for details on his day but he ends up being so exhausted I'm left with answers like, "work was work" or "it was fine". I lack those other outlets so he alone is left with the burden of my overactive mouth. Feeling like an annoyance, our conversations are limited because I don't want my problems to become a problem of our relationship, potentially pushing out the only person I currently have here.

My job...I LOVE my new job..I really do but starting a new job alone everyone knows is a work in progress. So excited for my role, I was hit with reality when I realized how extensive the work would include and come home mentally exhausted every night. Thankfully, I have nothing better to do with my time then focus on work so I find myself day by day getting more comfortable in my role and fitting in so well, reassuring me that the decision I made to come here was the right one.

I miss my old friends. I miss having someone I can ask to go get ice cream with late at night because id do anything to get out of studying. I miss being able to just show up at my friends apartment looking homeless and lay around with them talking about everything under the sun because I've had a bad day and don't want to be alone. Not that I can't still see my old friends, the convenience of having them here when I need them just got more difficult...I miss how excited my boyfriend was to talk about my day with me and how much he looked forward to spending time with me because we hardly got to see each other. Now he knows a majority of my conversations are frustration and sadness and that's not exactly what someone wants to hear after a full day of extensive work. Not that I love him less or I am angry with him for not fulfilling my loneliness, I understand that can get frustrating everyday. I just think that there was always something new and exciting when we finally got to see each other and in my bad moments I had my girls...he never had to see this side of me. I think seeing each other on a more frequent basis creates a more routine relationship that takes away from that excitement, and his inability (not a diss, most guys struggle with this) to understand my array of emotions that he never had to deal with before forces me to keep struggles and my bad days to myself...the town is the same as when I left it but the people sure have changed.

I never imagined to fell like I don't belong in my hometown.

All of these things will progressively get better with time I'm sure, and really hope they do..its just hard setting such high exceptions that only leave me feeling defeated. I was looking forward to this huge change, but change is hard. Trying to put up these walls and have such a hard exterior and look okay that Im only going to end up ruining myself from the inside out knowing that if I leave it built up too long my small crack will eventually explode leaving a mess without an easy clean up. So this is my crack..because writing a post in a blog that nobody reads is a way that allows me to lift some of that weight of from my shoulders.

*taking deep breathes *

until next time.

xo

Agnostic or Afraid?

You know those "friends" you have, that can never seem to make time for you until it some how conveniances them? Im sure a name or two just popped into your head. Those ones that you consider your friends but find only yourself constantly going out of your way to see them and for some reason you always find yourself going back to them, thats me..

I'm that "friend" to God anyways.

I don't go to church every Sunday, and quite frankly I couldn't tell you the last time even that I went to church with the exception of wedding receptions. I don't pray when I wake up, before every meal or before bed. I don't read scriptures out of my bible, I drank before 21, I've had sex out of wedlock, Ive used phrases that are in vain to His name, I work hard for money I want, for things I don't need and I envy many people who live the lifestyle I long for. I cant post bible verses or speak about my faith to others, I would just be another "poser" because of my lack of commitment to something bigger than myself.



Up until my brother passed away, my faith was a lot stronger. I attended things like bible study, youth group and youth for Christ. There was a family I was close with that I joined on Sundays to go to church and I had bible versus that I rewrote and had in my room and over my walls. I was happy with the idea of God. Then he let my brother make a mistake that has forever flipped my life around..the man who controls it all allowed for this to happen and I don't understand. I was SO angry at Him, the one who is supposed to provide those lost with hope, give those with trouble a sign things would get better, and he let me down only a few months later to disappoint again by taking my Grandpa from my family as well. We didn't even have time to go through the phase of losing someone until another was taken. It made me upset and lose very much faith in the man upstairs. What could my family have done so wrong to make him hate us?



So why do I still believe in some higher power that has the ability to control the outcome of life? Am I afraid not to believe in anything at all? Why do I reach out when I've lost my way and need something, anything to believe in but in times of good and happiness I don't thank Him? When I heard the news of my brother my first reaction was to just pray..when my grandpa died, the whole drive up I prayed. For my family, for strength, for comfort in why he had to go. I love the idea of knowing there is life after life. That regardless of what pains we go through here, one day it will all be pain free. I love the idea of knowing that one day I will see them again, all those I lost in this lifetime will once again be in my presence and we can share laughs and love once again. That is my definition of God. Something that you can believe and confide in when you find yourself lost.



You may not believe in Him and I am not trying to discredit whatever form of higher power you do believe in, and the purpose of me writing this is not to convince you, or make you think that I am not worthy of His love and friendship. Thats what is SO great about our version of God, he is so very forgiving. No, I am not worth his love but I feel it anyways. When I play music that speaks of him I feel safe and comfort, when I attended places of worship or hear stories people share on their experiences I am overwhelmed with a feeling only you could feel for yourself. I would never force my beliefs or lack of on you, because what do I have to prove? So regardless if there really is a God or not, the idea of believing in something that can provide us with the hope and love that we lack is something I do believe in.



If any of you are feeling as though you've sinned too much, or you don't 'have time" or it's not worth your time, I am here to tell you that its never too late to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Cause if we lose hope, what do we have?

until next time.

xo

Putting yourself first without being selfish: 5 tips everyone should know

You can never seem to please everybody that you want to, so stop trying! You don’t want people to hate you because it’s uncomfortable, but ask yourself if you want someone to like you for being someone other than who you are…? NO!

• Don’t spread yourself too thin.

I’m so guilty of this, never wanting to say no. You feel like you’re letting people down and missing out. Don’t worry, that bar night you miss won’t matter because everyone’s going to wake up and not remember you were gone.  If you don’t want to go on that summer trip, don’t go! They’re inviting you because they want you to have fun, not so you can be miserable the whole time. You can be friends with people and not have 100% same interest.

• If something said bothers you, tell them.

If your friends are making a joke of a mistake you made in your past that bothers you, or an insecurity about yourself..TELL THEM! If you just laugh it off every time or bring the joke up yourself, they aren’t going to have any idea that it even bothers you; they can’t read your mind. Speak up!

•  Don’t let someone you don’t like stop you from having fun.

I think every group of friends has at least 2 people who don’t get along with each other. Just because you don’t like somebody doesn’t mean all your friends have to dislike them too believe it or not. Don’t get so offended when someone invites them to a gathering because they’re friends, that person probably feels the same way because you’re there. You don’t have to go out of your way to speak to them just like you don’t have to go out of your way to let them know you’re unhappy they’re there. Don’t let one person you’re arguing with ruin opportunities to hang out with your friends!

•  Don’t always take yourself so serious.

I’m 20 years old, I never fail to cry when Mufasa dies, I stick my tongue out more than I smile in pictures, I find myself jamming out to the occasional Hannah Montana soundtrack using my brush as a microphone and I will gladly make a fool of myself to put a smile on other people’s faces. I make ridiculous jokes just because I think they’re punny and laugh at them so you don’t have to. If you can’t have fun and laugh at yourself you need a reality check. Stop taking everything so serious! Laughing is good for the soul!

•  Don't forget to hang out with your parents

No, my mom is not my best friend but she has better intentions for me than some people I’ve       known for years and she’s actually kind of funny. The older you get the more important you realize your parents are to you. You will appreciate every moment you spend with them when they're gone. It’s going to be okay missing out on something to spend time with your parents instead.

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter

until next time.

xo

I call my superhero Mom.

     You got the short end of the stick. When you signed up to play mom you didn’t know you were going to have to play dad too. Although things didn’t go as you planned, you were the best mother and father I could ever ask for and you did it all alone..

     All those late nights at school, hours upon hours spent working so you could provide for our family and lots of lost sleep so you could support us with school and sports. At the time I was angry with you for never being around, it made me feel like you didn’t want to be around and now, understanding the value behind your decisions, I never want to leave doubt in your mind that I didn’t appreciate everything you did.

     We didn’t have nice things growing up, the biggest house, or the nicest cars. I remember half of my clothes were hand me downs that the boys grew out of. We spent my fifth birthday at a campground because we lived in our camper and there were many things we couldn’t participate in because we just couldn’t afford it. As some of you read this and crinkle your nose and look down on my family for our past, let me tell you how growing up in poverty made me appreciate everything I possess now.

     I grew up without letting material items control my perceptions on people. At a young age I learned that character is what makes a person, not the 64 crayon value pack that had every color you could imagine in it. I learned that a smile and a helping hand could go a long way and help build relationships with people that are genuine and not superficial. I learned the power of imagination and with it you could create any world you wanted. Saving the best for last, I learned that a woman can do anything a man can because a little dirt never hurt anyone.

     You have taught me the value of the word independent and although it’s not always easy, it’s worth it. You taught me that love and compassion isn’t controlled by money and shiny objects, it’s controlled by actions, words, and tight hugs. You taught me to be comfortable in my own skin and knowing that the price tag doesn’t control your value. 

     Be true to the person you are, work hard for what you have, be listening ears and comforting hands, appreciate what you can afford, be a friend and not a foe, understand that everybody is fighting a battle you know nothing about, keep a smile on your face especially on the days you want to frown and never, never, never underestimate what you are capable of doing on your own.  Nobody is perfect but for us you tried to be.

     I want to give my kids everything I never had growing up and most importantly a father who loves them unconditionally, but I can only hope to give them half the love and support you continuously provide. Thank you from the bottom of my heart every day for being the best mom, dad, teacher and friend. I am forever grateful.

until next time,

xo

Tomorrow could be the someday you've been waiting for.

"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good,  enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either."

   Im sure we have all had an event in our life that we never thought we would get over. Good and bad, happy and sad. I think thats what makes life so beautiful. Sometimes we need the bad things in life in order to appreciate the good. Unfortunately some of us have experienced more bad than good, and some even worse than bad. I promise you,  you're going to be okay. 

Now, what do I know right? I'm just a girl in her 20's I couldn't possible know the value of a moment, but I would like to share a short story with you guys. 

   In the year 2011 I lost one of my brothers and it was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to go through in my life. There were times I never thought it would get better, I started falling behind in school I didn't keep in good touch with my friends, I distanced myself from family and started getting involved with things I shouldn't have. There was so much negative I let take over my life at that time. I didn't want life to go on, I didn't want to grow up and get better and do all these things that he could no longer do because I didn't feel that it was fair. One day when I was going through our memories on Facebook, I came across a comment that he made to me..

"You make me so proud with your accomplishments, you are growing into a beautiful woman don't let anyone tell you different."

One comment was all it took to make me realize I was only hurting myself. Sure you grieve your lost ones out of respect but at this point I was hurting my future and relationships with other people. All the things I stopped doing were all the things he loved me for. He was proud of my success and my will to succeed and I was letting him down by throwing it all away. It was time to stop throwing it away and use his belief in me as motivation. Now, getting back on my feet was SO hard. People you pushed away weren't all there, the things in school we were learning weren't put on pause until I was ready to come back, the whole world was moving on without me. Coming back to reality was such a struggle I'll tell you that. I took a long time to finally get to a point where I could say that I was genuinely happy again and some days felt like I never would but, I did it.

No matter the severity of the situation you are going through, don't give up on yourself. There are people who love you and want to help you. Please never be ashamed to ask for help, you're not weak. You are strong and I admire you for asking, honestly. A smile on the outside can only mask a problem for so long. Don't let this control you. You may no longer be the same person you used to be, things change, people change, times change but I know that with the help of our loved ones and your own personal will to be better, you will make it.

You are never alone.

To this day everything I do aside from for myself I do for my brother. I now have an amazing job I am grateful for, I'm taking classes to better my education and I'm always willing to help others when they feel alone. He believed so much in me and the future I can have for myself that it motivates me to make him and the rest of my family proud. Losing him put such a strain on my life but it has taught me to appreciate so much more. My family is so important and I should never miss an opportunity to spend time with them and show them how much they mean to me. I have amazing friends who would do anything for me as I would do the same. It taught me that you have to find the light inside of you whether its a glowing beam or a dim shimmer and let it burst. I share my story so you don't end yours.  

until next time

xo.