Don't always search for something better.

I think growing up in a time where just about everything you want is a click away, we've instilled in our minds that the moment the smallest thing goes wrong we can change it right there and then and it will be better. True maybe for things like broken jewelry or a run down car, but people are not objects. As much as I wish I didn't have to admit this, I am so guilty of it. 

One of the root causes in my opinion that ruins friendships and relationships, romantic and emotional. Sure they're a great friend but isn't always available when I am while this friend is always open so I'll stop putting my time into one and hangout with other. Or sure he was a great boyfriend but theres so many other guys out there I'm sure I can find one with a better job and more money. We get so caught up in searching for something thats better than what we got, we forget to appreciate what we have and never realize the true value and potential it could have.

*BIG lesson this month.*

I've been struggling to adjust to my new life changes the past month in a half and it got to the point that I just broke down and let the weight of everything tear me down. Although, in everyone else's defense I never brought it up either because I don't like pity and I don't like the confrontation that leaves me vulnerable and in tears in front of people I love and respect. Leaving me to do the only thing I knew how to do and that was write about it. Social media has this amazing way of letting you be vulnerable behind a safe wall that avoids the face to face confrontational awkwardness..

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of love that was shared with me after I did that. From those people I see so often I forget to remind them how much I value them, people I haven't connected with in weeks, months, years that were so quick to come to my rescue. My mom who I don't spend nearly enough time with, and one of the most important ones..my boyfriend. Who probably took most the heat from my breakdown only creating a strain on our relationship that wasn't even there to begin with. Part of me was disappointed by it. I just thought to myself that they only wanted to see me or write to me out of pity and that bothered me. I don't want to have to walk around and throw pity parties in order to get people to hang around me, it didn't feel right! But looking deeper into what they were saying and how they treated me is really what opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart. That "pity" I received was all constructive, "I'm sorry you're going though this but, it's a part of growing up, its a part of life." They weren't holding my hand, complimenting me to cover up my pain..they were reminding me that I am at a turning point in my life where it's normal to lose touch with certain people and start a more "routine" life. Where you may start to see people less but you shouldn't let the inevitable fate of growing up make you throw out everything good that you have. Not that I can't have fun with friends and keep things exciting with my boyfriend, those moments are just shared differently than before. I couldn't be more thankful for that reminder. Who better to take advice about growing up from than people who have all gone through the same thing?? I can honestly tell you that every person who I've spoke with since then have all said they went though the exact same thing. I mean, it only makes sense..you spend your whole life going through school with the same people..you go to college and have roommates that you see everyday and constantly have events going on and people around, to graduating or leaving school finding work in different states and cities and countries..we all go our separate ways and that's just this crazy thing called life. 

I need to stop searching on how to replace everything difficult and learn to challenge myself to appreciate and adjust to everything I already have. I need to speak up and confront my fears and challenges before it builds up and breaks me down, its okay not to be okay 100% of the time. All of my amazing friends are still amazing friends, we've just all reached this point at a different time. They are away or taking classes or work 30-40+ hours a week or have houses to clean, kids to take care of, families that need them and spouses they need quality time with. Some even going through exactly what I am but too felt like they had nobody to talk with. I need to go see family, blood or not as much as I can, as much as I'm growing up so are they. Family has an amazing way of making everything feel okay even if just for that moment. I need to appreciate my boyfriend for all of his dedication and hard work, I can proudly say in my whole entire life I have never seen someone so dedicated and willing to something that at days has him wanting to pull his hair out. Grateful that he works so hard so he can build a strong future. A rare exception to someone searching for something better..when things get hard he searches for how to make that situation better, not just leave it. Or my favorite line of his, "stop worrying, I'm not going anywhere" followed by his million dollar smile, crazy tight hug and kiss on my forehead..simple, sassy, but full of so much meaning to someone who came from a disposable background of people giving up.

Truly from the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has opened my eyes to reality. Taking my irrational breakdown and showing me that it's completely normal. It's not the end of the world, my world is just changing. Change is good and I find myself excited for the challenges I have to face because if I wasn't having these obstacles I know that I'm not allowing myself to grow. A wise man once said, "If you look at the world when you are 50 the same way you looked at it when you were 20 and it hasn’t changed, then you have wasted 30 years of your life" -Muhammed Ali. You've showered me with knowledge and an over abundance of love that gives me the confidence in myself that has been lacking. I am so incredibly lucky and I promise I will be sure to recognize that.

until next time.

xo

If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

Easier said than done, am I right?

This past August I chose to make a huge life change and accepted a job two hours away from where I was currently living. Not that I was unhappy with where I was, but with school soon coming to an end for me and looking to find a job that I could make a career, my thirst for my future was strong enough I would have gone anywhere. Now this location is no random place, its actually in the town I grew up in and longed to return to. My friends are here, my boyfriend is here,  people I considered family, and an amazing opportunity with a well-known company that I was honored to be asked to become a part of. There was no hesitation at accepting the position. 

That being said, my expectations were so incredibly high to come back. In my mind everything would pick up exactly where they left off but only better. My friends and I could drive now and are all 21+ so we would see each other anytime we wanted and our options were limitless. I would go from seeing my boyfriend once a week or once every two weeks to seeing him everyday and my world would be all rainbows and butterflies and I would live happily ever after.. well, I am no princess and life is definitely no fairytale. Thinking it out loud now I can't believe how naive I was..

Alike myself, those friends have everyday jobs and other obligations..no way they would stop those just cause I'm back. They all have gone 6 years without me here, creating lives that didn't involve me and wouldn't realize I'm missing out because I haven't wanted to be included until now. Connecting with friends is much easier when you can post on their wall or shoot them a text every few months. That classic agreement to the "we need to get together soon" phrase and then those plans fall through.  The commitment of actually taking time out of our "busy" days seemed impossible.

My boyfriend has a crazy extensive and demanding job. He generally crawls into bed at 10:30pm and leaves it at 5:30am and has out of town trips, so we still only really get to spend quality time once or twice a week. He comes home and gets an earful of my day good, bad and every emotion that goes through my mind. He is bombarded with questions of me asking for details on his day but he ends up being so exhausted I'm left with answers like, "work was work" or "it was fine". I lack those other outlets so he alone is left with the burden of my overactive mouth. Feeling like an annoyance, our conversations are limited because I don't want my problems to become a problem of our relationship, potentially pushing out the only person I currently have here.

My job...I LOVE my new job..I really do but starting a new job alone everyone knows is a work in progress. So excited for my role, I was hit with reality when I realized how extensive the work would include and come home mentally exhausted every night. Thankfully, I have nothing better to do with my time then focus on work so I find myself day by day getting more comfortable in my role and fitting in so well, reassuring me that the decision I made to come here was the right one.

I miss my old friends. I miss having someone I can ask to go get ice cream with late at night because id do anything to get out of studying. I miss being able to just show up at my friends apartment looking homeless and lay around with them talking about everything under the sun because I've had a bad day and don't want to be alone. Not that I can't still see my old friends, the convenience of having them here when I need them just got more difficult...I miss how excited my boyfriend was to talk about my day with me and how much he looked forward to spending time with me because we hardly got to see each other. Now he knows a majority of my conversations are frustration and sadness and that's not exactly what someone wants to hear after a full day of extensive work. Not that I love him less or I am angry with him for not fulfilling my loneliness, I understand that can get frustrating everyday. I just think that there was always something new and exciting when we finally got to see each other and in my bad moments I had my girls...he never had to see this side of me. I think seeing each other on a more frequent basis creates a more routine relationship that takes away from that excitement, and his inability (not a diss, most guys struggle with this) to understand my array of emotions that he never had to deal with before forces me to keep struggles and my bad days to myself...the town is the same as when I left it but the people sure have changed.

I never imagined to fell like I don't belong in my hometown.

All of these things will progressively get better with time I'm sure, and really hope they do..its just hard setting such high exceptions that only leave me feeling defeated. I was looking forward to this huge change, but change is hard. Trying to put up these walls and have such a hard exterior and look okay that Im only going to end up ruining myself from the inside out knowing that if I leave it built up too long my small crack will eventually explode leaving a mess without an easy clean up. So this is my crack..because writing a post in a blog that nobody reads is a way that allows me to lift some of that weight of from my shoulders.

*taking deep breathes *

until next time.

xo

You got the boy, I got the man.

     You were the love of his life, the girl he imagined growing old with. The words “I love you” spilled off of his lips and filled your ears. I envy you. For a while I feared you. In the back of my mind I find myself questioning my actions...is this how you would have reacted? Does his family wish she was here instead of me? Does he miss her..? You’re the girl he got to experience so much with, the years of minimal responsibilities and nothing but free time. You are the girl that he will compare the rest to because he loved you…and you broke him.

    That enlarged, tender heart surrounded by walls of steal afraid of commitment. The other girls he spent the night with in the hopes of feeling, but instead left them confused and in tears. The multiple “I love you’s” he’s told in hopes that when another says it back, it would all make sense.  The lips that can’t hold a kiss because he fears they taste of someone else. The exhaustion of searching for someone to love who he was and what he has become and fill the crack in his heart that he can’t seem to, left by you.

     For weeks I feared of saying the wrong thing, and trying to contain that overly obnoxious laugh I have. I always needed a full face of make-up and make sure I dressed to impress. Social media covered my flawed body with filters and props. Any wrong move I made would just make him realize it was you he still wanted.  I needed to be perfect for the person I never imagined I would get to know.

And then the craziest thing happened..

     I found myself lying in bed in an oversized sweatshirt, my hair a mess and my make-up worn, singing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and watching multiple episodes of Lip Sync Battle, laughing so hard I snorted out loud. I stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my face while looking me in the eyes and let the words “You are so beautiful” roll off his tongue, and [trying] to seal it with a kiss. I pulled back in complete shock that someone could look at me in a time I consider my worst and think I could be beautiful. My only reaction was to just laugh and shrug it off but when our eyes connected my heart raced at the way he looked at me and it was then we shared our first kiss. Although I have yet to tell him this…in that very moment, I understood love at first sight.

     We stayed up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories and stealing kisses. His eyes we’re filled with secrets and pain that made my urge to fill them with happiness ignite. From that night on, I didn’t want another day to pass without him in my life.

     Although there’s distance between us, every time I’m greeted with a million dollar smile and a hug that warms my body. Every morning I wake up to a message from him saying he hopes I have a great day, every day I hear how beautiful I am to him and how excited for the next time we will see each other, and every night we’re apart he calls me before bed to tell me goodnight just because he misses the sound of my voice. Flowers of my favorite color, gifts of my favorite candies and sentimental value, and notes left behind for me to find at unexpected times. He has filled my heart with more love than I believed I was ever worthy of.

     So I want to extend a thank you to you wherever you are, for breaking the very heart that I spend every day repairing. To the pain and hurt you caused a man that I could never imagine hurting the way you did, thank you for leaving him so I can have this chance.

until next time.
xo