You were the love of his life, the girl he imagined growing
old with. The words “I love you” spilled off of his lips and filled your ears.
I envy you. For a while I feared you. In the back of my mind I find myself questioning
my actions...is this how you would have reacted? Does his family wish she was
here instead of me? Does he miss her..? You’re the girl he
got to experience so much with, the years of minimal responsibilities and
nothing but free time. You are the girl that he will compare the rest to
because he loved you…and you broke him.
That enlarged, tender heart surrounded by walls of steal
afraid of commitment. The other girls he spent the night with in the hopes of
feeling, but instead left them confused and in tears. The multiple “I love
you’s” he’s told in hopes that when another says it back, it would all make
sense. The lips that can’t hold a kiss
because he fears they taste of someone else. The exhaustion of searching for
someone to love who he was and what he has become and fill the crack in his
heart that he can’t seem to, left by you.
For weeks I feared of saying the wrong thing, and trying to
contain that overly obnoxious laugh I have. I always needed a full face of
make-up and make sure I dressed to impress. Social media covered my flawed body
with filters and props. Any wrong move I made would just make him realize it
was you he still wanted. I needed to be
perfect for the person I never imagined I would get to know.
And then the craziest thing happened..
I found myself lying in bed in an oversized sweatshirt, my
hair a mess and my make-up worn, singing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of
Bel-Air and watching multiple episodes of Lip Sync Battle, laughing so hard I
snorted out loud. I stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my face while looking
me in the eyes and let the words “You are so beautiful” roll off his tongue,
and [trying] to seal it with a kiss. I pulled back in complete shock that
someone could look at me in a time I consider my worst and think I could be beautiful. My only reaction was to just
laugh and shrug it off but when our eyes connected my heart raced at the way he
looked at me and it was then we shared our first kiss. Although I have yet to
tell him this…in that very moment, I understood love at first sight.
We stayed up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories
and stealing kisses. His eyes we’re filled with secrets and pain that made my
urge to fill them with happiness ignite. From that night on, I didn’t want
another day to pass without him in my life.
Although there’s distance between us, every time I’m greeted
with a million dollar smile and a hug that warms my body. Every morning I wake
up to a message from him saying he hopes I have a great day, every day I hear
how beautiful I am to him and how excited for the next time we will see each
other, and every night we’re apart he calls me before bed to tell me goodnight
just because he misses the sound of my voice. Flowers of my favorite color,
gifts of my favorite candies and sentimental value, and notes left behind for
me to find at unexpected times. He has filled my heart with more love than I
believed I was ever worthy of.
So I want to extend a thank you to you wherever you are, for
breaking the very heart that I spend every day repairing. To the pain
and hurt you caused a man that I could never imagine hurting the way you did, thank you for
leaving him so I can have this chance.
until next time.
xo
No comments:
Post a Comment