Agnostic or Afraid?

You know those "friends" you have, that can never seem to make time for you until it some how conveniances them? Im sure a name or two just popped into your head. Those ones that you consider your friends but find only yourself constantly going out of your way to see them and for some reason you always find yourself going back to them, thats me..

I'm that "friend" to God anyways.

I don't go to church every Sunday, and quite frankly I couldn't tell you the last time even that I went to church with the exception of wedding receptions. I don't pray when I wake up, before every meal or before bed. I don't read scriptures out of my bible, I drank before 21, I've had sex out of wedlock, Ive used phrases that are in vain to His name, I work hard for money I want, for things I don't need and I envy many people who live the lifestyle I long for. I cant post bible verses or speak about my faith to others, I would just be another "poser" because of my lack of commitment to something bigger than myself.



Up until my brother passed away, my faith was a lot stronger. I attended things like bible study, youth group and youth for Christ. There was a family I was close with that I joined on Sundays to go to church and I had bible versus that I rewrote and had in my room and over my walls. I was happy with the idea of God. Then he let my brother make a mistake that has forever flipped my life around..the man who controls it all allowed for this to happen and I don't understand. I was SO angry at Him, the one who is supposed to provide those lost with hope, give those with trouble a sign things would get better, and he let me down only a few months later to disappoint again by taking my Grandpa from my family as well. We didn't even have time to go through the phase of losing someone until another was taken. It made me upset and lose very much faith in the man upstairs. What could my family have done so wrong to make him hate us?



So why do I still believe in some higher power that has the ability to control the outcome of life? Am I afraid not to believe in anything at all? Why do I reach out when I've lost my way and need something, anything to believe in but in times of good and happiness I don't thank Him? When I heard the news of my brother my first reaction was to just pray..when my grandpa died, the whole drive up I prayed. For my family, for strength, for comfort in why he had to go. I love the idea of knowing there is life after life. That regardless of what pains we go through here, one day it will all be pain free. I love the idea of knowing that one day I will see them again, all those I lost in this lifetime will once again be in my presence and we can share laughs and love once again. That is my definition of God. Something that you can believe and confide in when you find yourself lost.



You may not believe in Him and I am not trying to discredit whatever form of higher power you do believe in, and the purpose of me writing this is not to convince you, or make you think that I am not worthy of His love and friendship. Thats what is SO great about our version of God, he is so very forgiving. No, I am not worth his love but I feel it anyways. When I play music that speaks of him I feel safe and comfort, when I attended places of worship or hear stories people share on their experiences I am overwhelmed with a feeling only you could feel for yourself. I would never force my beliefs or lack of on you, because what do I have to prove? So regardless if there really is a God or not, the idea of believing in something that can provide us with the hope and love that we lack is something I do believe in.



If any of you are feeling as though you've sinned too much, or you don't 'have time" or it's not worth your time, I am here to tell you that its never too late to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Cause if we lose hope, what do we have?

until next time.

xo

Tomorrow could be the someday you've been waiting for.

"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good,  enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either."

   Im sure we have all had an event in our life that we never thought we would get over. Good and bad, happy and sad. I think thats what makes life so beautiful. Sometimes we need the bad things in life in order to appreciate the good. Unfortunately some of us have experienced more bad than good, and some even worse than bad. I promise you,  you're going to be okay. 

Now, what do I know right? I'm just a girl in her 20's I couldn't possible know the value of a moment, but I would like to share a short story with you guys. 

   In the year 2011 I lost one of my brothers and it was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to go through in my life. There were times I never thought it would get better, I started falling behind in school I didn't keep in good touch with my friends, I distanced myself from family and started getting involved with things I shouldn't have. There was so much negative I let take over my life at that time. I didn't want life to go on, I didn't want to grow up and get better and do all these things that he could no longer do because I didn't feel that it was fair. One day when I was going through our memories on Facebook, I came across a comment that he made to me..

"You make me so proud with your accomplishments, you are growing into a beautiful woman don't let anyone tell you different."

One comment was all it took to make me realize I was only hurting myself. Sure you grieve your lost ones out of respect but at this point I was hurting my future and relationships with other people. All the things I stopped doing were all the things he loved me for. He was proud of my success and my will to succeed and I was letting him down by throwing it all away. It was time to stop throwing it away and use his belief in me as motivation. Now, getting back on my feet was SO hard. People you pushed away weren't all there, the things in school we were learning weren't put on pause until I was ready to come back, the whole world was moving on without me. Coming back to reality was such a struggle I'll tell you that. I took a long time to finally get to a point where I could say that I was genuinely happy again and some days felt like I never would but, I did it.

No matter the severity of the situation you are going through, don't give up on yourself. There are people who love you and want to help you. Please never be ashamed to ask for help, you're not weak. You are strong and I admire you for asking, honestly. A smile on the outside can only mask a problem for so long. Don't let this control you. You may no longer be the same person you used to be, things change, people change, times change but I know that with the help of our loved ones and your own personal will to be better, you will make it.

You are never alone.

To this day everything I do aside from for myself I do for my brother. I now have an amazing job I am grateful for, I'm taking classes to better my education and I'm always willing to help others when they feel alone. He believed so much in me and the future I can have for myself that it motivates me to make him and the rest of my family proud. Losing him put such a strain on my life but it has taught me to appreciate so much more. My family is so important and I should never miss an opportunity to spend time with them and show them how much they mean to me. I have amazing friends who would do anything for me as I would do the same. It taught me that you have to find the light inside of you whether its a glowing beam or a dim shimmer and let it burst. I share my story so you don't end yours.  

until next time

xo.