I call my superhero Mom.

     You got the short end of the stick. When you signed up to play mom you didn’t know you were going to have to play dad too. Although things didn’t go as you planned, you were the best mother and father I could ever ask for and you did it all alone..

     All those late nights at school, hours upon hours spent working so you could provide for our family and lots of lost sleep so you could support us with school and sports. At the time I was angry with you for never being around, it made me feel like you didn’t want to be around and now, understanding the value behind your decisions, I never want to leave doubt in your mind that I didn’t appreciate everything you did.

     We didn’t have nice things growing up, the biggest house, or the nicest cars. I remember half of my clothes were hand me downs that the boys grew out of. We spent my fifth birthday at a campground because we lived in our camper and there were many things we couldn’t participate in because we just couldn’t afford it. As some of you read this and crinkle your nose and look down on my family for our past, let me tell you how growing up in poverty made me appreciate everything I possess now.

     I grew up without letting material items control my perceptions on people. At a young age I learned that character is what makes a person, not the 64 crayon value pack that had every color you could imagine in it. I learned that a smile and a helping hand could go a long way and help build relationships with people that are genuine and not superficial. I learned the power of imagination and with it you could create any world you wanted. Saving the best for last, I learned that a woman can do anything a man can because a little dirt never hurt anyone.

     You have taught me the value of the word independent and although it’s not always easy, it’s worth it. You taught me that love and compassion isn’t controlled by money and shiny objects, it’s controlled by actions, words, and tight hugs. You taught me to be comfortable in my own skin and knowing that the price tag doesn’t control your value. 

     Be true to the person you are, work hard for what you have, be listening ears and comforting hands, appreciate what you can afford, be a friend and not a foe, understand that everybody is fighting a battle you know nothing about, keep a smile on your face especially on the days you want to frown and never, never, never underestimate what you are capable of doing on your own.  Nobody is perfect but for us you tried to be.

     I want to give my kids everything I never had growing up and most importantly a father who loves them unconditionally, but I can only hope to give them half the love and support you continuously provide. Thank you from the bottom of my heart every day for being the best mom, dad, teacher and friend. I am forever grateful.

until next time,

xo

You got the boy, I got the man.

     You were the love of his life, the girl he imagined growing old with. The words “I love you” spilled off of his lips and filled your ears. I envy you. For a while I feared you. In the back of my mind I find myself questioning my actions...is this how you would have reacted? Does his family wish she was here instead of me? Does he miss her..? You’re the girl he got to experience so much with, the years of minimal responsibilities and nothing but free time. You are the girl that he will compare the rest to because he loved you…and you broke him.

    That enlarged, tender heart surrounded by walls of steal afraid of commitment. The other girls he spent the night with in the hopes of feeling, but instead left them confused and in tears. The multiple “I love you’s” he’s told in hopes that when another says it back, it would all make sense.  The lips that can’t hold a kiss because he fears they taste of someone else. The exhaustion of searching for someone to love who he was and what he has become and fill the crack in his heart that he can’t seem to, left by you.

     For weeks I feared of saying the wrong thing, and trying to contain that overly obnoxious laugh I have. I always needed a full face of make-up and make sure I dressed to impress. Social media covered my flawed body with filters and props. Any wrong move I made would just make him realize it was you he still wanted.  I needed to be perfect for the person I never imagined I would get to know.

And then the craziest thing happened..

     I found myself lying in bed in an oversized sweatshirt, my hair a mess and my make-up worn, singing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and watching multiple episodes of Lip Sync Battle, laughing so hard I snorted out loud. I stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my face while looking me in the eyes and let the words “You are so beautiful” roll off his tongue, and [trying] to seal it with a kiss. I pulled back in complete shock that someone could look at me in a time I consider my worst and think I could be beautiful. My only reaction was to just laugh and shrug it off but when our eyes connected my heart raced at the way he looked at me and it was then we shared our first kiss. Although I have yet to tell him this…in that very moment, I understood love at first sight.

     We stayed up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories and stealing kisses. His eyes we’re filled with secrets and pain that made my urge to fill them with happiness ignite. From that night on, I didn’t want another day to pass without him in my life.

     Although there’s distance between us, every time I’m greeted with a million dollar smile and a hug that warms my body. Every morning I wake up to a message from him saying he hopes I have a great day, every day I hear how beautiful I am to him and how excited for the next time we will see each other, and every night we’re apart he calls me before bed to tell me goodnight just because he misses the sound of my voice. Flowers of my favorite color, gifts of my favorite candies and sentimental value, and notes left behind for me to find at unexpected times. He has filled my heart with more love than I believed I was ever worthy of.

     So I want to extend a thank you to you wherever you are, for breaking the very heart that I spend every day repairing. To the pain and hurt you caused a man that I could never imagine hurting the way you did, thank you for leaving him so I can have this chance.

until next time.
xo

                                                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                   

Tomorrow could be the someday you've been waiting for.

"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good,  enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either."

   Im sure we have all had an event in our life that we never thought we would get over. Good and bad, happy and sad. I think thats what makes life so beautiful. Sometimes we need the bad things in life in order to appreciate the good. Unfortunately some of us have experienced more bad than good, and some even worse than bad. I promise you,  you're going to be okay. 

Now, what do I know right? I'm just a girl in her 20's I couldn't possible know the value of a moment, but I would like to share a short story with you guys. 

   In the year 2011 I lost one of my brothers and it was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to go through in my life. There were times I never thought it would get better, I started falling behind in school I didn't keep in good touch with my friends, I distanced myself from family and started getting involved with things I shouldn't have. There was so much negative I let take over my life at that time. I didn't want life to go on, I didn't want to grow up and get better and do all these things that he could no longer do because I didn't feel that it was fair. One day when I was going through our memories on Facebook, I came across a comment that he made to me..

"You make me so proud with your accomplishments, you are growing into a beautiful woman don't let anyone tell you different."

One comment was all it took to make me realize I was only hurting myself. Sure you grieve your lost ones out of respect but at this point I was hurting my future and relationships with other people. All the things I stopped doing were all the things he loved me for. He was proud of my success and my will to succeed and I was letting him down by throwing it all away. It was time to stop throwing it away and use his belief in me as motivation. Now, getting back on my feet was SO hard. People you pushed away weren't all there, the things in school we were learning weren't put on pause until I was ready to come back, the whole world was moving on without me. Coming back to reality was such a struggle I'll tell you that. I took a long time to finally get to a point where I could say that I was genuinely happy again and some days felt like I never would but, I did it.

No matter the severity of the situation you are going through, don't give up on yourself. There are people who love you and want to help you. Please never be ashamed to ask for help, you're not weak. You are strong and I admire you for asking, honestly. A smile on the outside can only mask a problem for so long. Don't let this control you. You may no longer be the same person you used to be, things change, people change, times change but I know that with the help of our loved ones and your own personal will to be better, you will make it.

You are never alone.

To this day everything I do aside from for myself I do for my brother. I now have an amazing job I am grateful for, I'm taking classes to better my education and I'm always willing to help others when they feel alone. He believed so much in me and the future I can have for myself that it motivates me to make him and the rest of my family proud. Losing him put such a strain on my life but it has taught me to appreciate so much more. My family is so important and I should never miss an opportunity to spend time with them and show them how much they mean to me. I have amazing friends who would do anything for me as I would do the same. It taught me that you have to find the light inside of you whether its a glowing beam or a dim shimmer and let it burst. I share my story so you don't end yours.  

until next time

xo.

another crazy cat lady

For those who have looked at any of my social media accounts, you can see that I may or may not have a small addiction to my kitty so it only make sense that I write my next blog about him. (DUH!)

 

Its a funny story how I got him really, so my roommate at the time wanted a pet really bad. I previously had a puppy but between working full time, school and maintaining a social life I just wasn't able to provide him with all the attention he needed, and heck I knew nothing about raising a dog, so eventually I got rid of him. BUT he did go to a good home (a co-worker) who give him lots of love and lives close so I can visit anytime! So when she asked about getting one I thought was a good idea for her but I wasn't ready for something high maintenance. SOOO her boyfriend being all cute and such came over and surprised her with a kitten and we instantly fell INLOVE it was the cutest thing ever! So cuddly and playful and just all around cute (still name less at this point) she was so happy that it actually bummed me out a little bit not having one. Her cat would always sleep in my room so we joked that it was mine and not hers. So that next day I come home from work and there was another kitty, just for me! He was even more cute, and I'm not saying that just because he was mine...and cats being more low maintenance, I kept him.

Now, my roommate and I have known each other just about our whole lives, since third grade to be exact and our mothers were always close. She graduated in December of 2015 so we knew that we would soon be going our separate ways and wanted something cute that was "ours" so, she had a girl and I had a boy...the start of Bonnie and Clyde. Well, not the real start obviously, they're not criminals who fall madly in love they were brother and sister actually which is kind of twisted on our part but it was a cute idea at the time. We always had cute little family photos and even did Christmas cards with them! (little crazy, we know.)

 

 

 

 

 

So after she graduated and move to the Grand Rapids area for work, we both had our kitties that we unfortunately had to split up. I still have my crazy busy schedule but its really nice to come home to my sweet little Clyde who I constantly refer to as "Bubba". The best part too, LITER TRAINED. I tell you what, I was made to have cats because I am all about filling up a automatic feeder and water dish with a weekly liter scoop and not having to wake up in the middle of the night to let him out to the bathroom. Sure there are things I could go without, like the fact he enjoys climbing up my curtains until they fall down and playing with my hair while I try to sleep but I am so happy that I have my little companion that wasn't even a planned event in my life. I guess for as many impulsive decision that I make, they weren't all bad after all.



until next time.

xo

Just your abnormal girly girl

Hello and Welcome!

My name Elizabeth Squanda, but most people refer to me as Liz, Lizzie or Squan (I'm open to any nicknames really). I enjoy long walks on the beach and to my fridge, which luckily for me isn't a long walk at all.

I fill a lot of your basic college girl stereotypes. I love starbucks flavored coffee, I binge watch netflix and go out on week nights. I wear ugg boots in the winter with my white puffy coat. You can most likely find me with my phone in my hand or at the tanner. I enjoy wearing victoria secret "PINK" clothing and having sun kissed skin. I constantly struggle with perfecting the winged eyeliner and deciding if wearing heels to the bar is really a good idea or not. I have a larger than normal collection of gaudy necklaces, earrings, and shoes and always love an excuse to get all dolled up.

On the contrary, I am one crazy sports fan or as the girls at work call me, the ultimate cleat chaser. Without a doubt I would have to say that baseball is my numero uno. Aside from enjoying watching the sport and understanding whats going on, there tends to be quite a few lookers as well. (Brad Ausmus, Ben Verlander, David Wright..to name a few) Football being a close second (Christian McCaffrey), basketball (Steph Curry, Dwayne Wade), and then the rest of the sports I will watch but not know what's going on. Understandably, I like it more if I know whats going on.

Growing up with two brothers and a sporty mom was a blessing in disguise. Being that "tom boy" growing up, I was never introduced to make up and glitz and glamour until I was on my own and now I LOVE an excuse to get dolled up. However, I am completely comfortable cozied up on the couch in sweats and an oversized t-shirt watching the playoffs and eating my weight in chinese. So as much as I may appear to be your typical ditsy basic girl, you'll be surprised to find my eyes glued to the tv at the bar cursing like a sailor when the ref makes a bad call against my team and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Be someone who makes YOU happy.

Until next time

xo