I call my superhero Mom.

     You got the short end of the stick. When you signed up to play mom you didn’t know you were going to have to play dad too. Although things didn’t go as you planned, you were the best mother and father I could ever ask for and you did it all alone..

     All those late nights at school, hours upon hours spent working so you could provide for our family and lots of lost sleep so you could support us with school and sports. At the time I was angry with you for never being around, it made me feel like you didn’t want to be around and now, understanding the value behind your decisions, I never want to leave doubt in your mind that I didn’t appreciate everything you did.

     We didn’t have nice things growing up, the biggest house, or the nicest cars. I remember half of my clothes were hand me downs that the boys grew out of. We spent my fifth birthday at a campground because we lived in our camper and there were many things we couldn’t participate in because we just couldn’t afford it. As some of you read this and crinkle your nose and look down on my family for our past, let me tell you how growing up in poverty made me appreciate everything I possess now.

     I grew up without letting material items control my perceptions on people. At a young age I learned that character is what makes a person, not the 64 crayon value pack that had every color you could imagine in it. I learned that a smile and a helping hand could go a long way and help build relationships with people that are genuine and not superficial. I learned the power of imagination and with it you could create any world you wanted. Saving the best for last, I learned that a woman can do anything a man can because a little dirt never hurt anyone.

     You have taught me the value of the word independent and although it’s not always easy, it’s worth it. You taught me that love and compassion isn’t controlled by money and shiny objects, it’s controlled by actions, words, and tight hugs. You taught me to be comfortable in my own skin and knowing that the price tag doesn’t control your value. 

     Be true to the person you are, work hard for what you have, be listening ears and comforting hands, appreciate what you can afford, be a friend and not a foe, understand that everybody is fighting a battle you know nothing about, keep a smile on your face especially on the days you want to frown and never, never, never underestimate what you are capable of doing on your own.  Nobody is perfect but for us you tried to be.

     I want to give my kids everything I never had growing up and most importantly a father who loves them unconditionally, but I can only hope to give them half the love and support you continuously provide. Thank you from the bottom of my heart every day for being the best mom, dad, teacher and friend. I am forever grateful.

until next time,

xo

You got the boy, I got the man.

     You were the love of his life, the girl he imagined growing old with. The words “I love you” spilled off of his lips and filled your ears. I envy you. For a while I feared you. In the back of my mind I find myself questioning my actions...is this how you would have reacted? Does his family wish she was here instead of me? Does he miss her..? You’re the girl he got to experience so much with, the years of minimal responsibilities and nothing but free time. You are the girl that he will compare the rest to because he loved you…and you broke him.

    That enlarged, tender heart surrounded by walls of steal afraid of commitment. The other girls he spent the night with in the hopes of feeling, but instead left them confused and in tears. The multiple “I love you’s” he’s told in hopes that when another says it back, it would all make sense.  The lips that can’t hold a kiss because he fears they taste of someone else. The exhaustion of searching for someone to love who he was and what he has become and fill the crack in his heart that he can’t seem to, left by you.

     For weeks I feared of saying the wrong thing, and trying to contain that overly obnoxious laugh I have. I always needed a full face of make-up and make sure I dressed to impress. Social media covered my flawed body with filters and props. Any wrong move I made would just make him realize it was you he still wanted.  I needed to be perfect for the person I never imagined I would get to know.

And then the craziest thing happened..

     I found myself lying in bed in an oversized sweatshirt, my hair a mess and my make-up worn, singing the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and watching multiple episodes of Lip Sync Battle, laughing so hard I snorted out loud. I stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my face while looking me in the eyes and let the words “You are so beautiful” roll off his tongue, and [trying] to seal it with a kiss. I pulled back in complete shock that someone could look at me in a time I consider my worst and think I could be beautiful. My only reaction was to just laugh and shrug it off but when our eyes connected my heart raced at the way he looked at me and it was then we shared our first kiss. Although I have yet to tell him this…in that very moment, I understood love at first sight.

     We stayed up all night talking, laughing, sharing stories and stealing kisses. His eyes we’re filled with secrets and pain that made my urge to fill them with happiness ignite. From that night on, I didn’t want another day to pass without him in my life.

     Although there’s distance between us, every time I’m greeted with a million dollar smile and a hug that warms my body. Every morning I wake up to a message from him saying he hopes I have a great day, every day I hear how beautiful I am to him and how excited for the next time we will see each other, and every night we’re apart he calls me before bed to tell me goodnight just because he misses the sound of my voice. Flowers of my favorite color, gifts of my favorite candies and sentimental value, and notes left behind for me to find at unexpected times. He has filled my heart with more love than I believed I was ever worthy of.

     So I want to extend a thank you to you wherever you are, for breaking the very heart that I spend every day repairing. To the pain and hurt you caused a man that I could never imagine hurting the way you did, thank you for leaving him so I can have this chance.

until next time.
xo