Who I am hates who I've been

Ever try to push a door multiple times until you realize it says "pull door" clear as day...?

On a little more extreme table that has been me for the last few months. I successfully found the most difficult way to go about and deal with every possible road block in my life, instead of taking a step back and looking at things before moving forward. I have become unfaithful to who I am as a person and it has made me shut down completely.

Anybody who knows me, knows I LOVE to talk. Anytime, any person, any topic..but for awhile I talked to absolutely no one..just couldn’t keep to myself enough. I’ve stared at my phone watching people’s phone calls ring and never answer. At one point I had 73 unread text messages. I deleted the social media apps from my phone and would just sit in silence for hours with myself. When I did decide to be social, it was to go out drinking or see people that I shouldn’t have been seeing... I was unfaithful to who I am as a person.

Then it was like hitting a brick wall..the things I let bottle inside me built up so much pressure that I blew up. I was on a 2 hour drive and there where times I had to stop because the tears blurred my vision so much. I started reading this series of “self help” books if you may and it mean a few were just harsh..it was like someone was telling me to get over myself and live the life I want..the first time around it annoyed me, I stopped reading. Then I went through it again..”you are living the life you are willing to live.” DUH, things happen and not everything is in your control but you know what is? How you react to them. Your actions are exactly what controls your outcome. If you want change, YOU have to change. I am living the life that I am willing to live. I am in control of what I let affect me.  Elementary stuff that even I as an adult need to remember, and you do too. Six months from today your life can be so much better mentally, physically, and financially. Know that you have the power to change it all one day at a time. 

I'm not okay. It's okay. I needed to get exactly where I was to be able to get back to where I wanted to be.

Cry. Yell. Scream. Take a 3 hour nap. Eat that pint of ice cream. As much as you need as often as you need. It’s okay to be vulnerable and It feels so refreshing to release that negative energy and give yourself a clean slate, you are only fooling yourself if you don’t.  Go out alone. Give yourself the time you need. That can be alone time in the morning, taking a drive by yourself in silence or blare the radio. Say yes to an invitation even though you’d show up by yourself. Take time for you. 

You can’t fix the world problems in one day, remember that. YOU are a work in progress. We all are.

We have the power to change the world at our fingertips.

If I hear one more millennial joke about our phone addiction, over abundant use of Facebook and twitter, and how much the internet sucks, I'm going to SCREAM! 

Yes, alike everything else there is a downside. You tell me one thing in the whole world that doesn't have any negatives and I'll throw out my phone, makeup, cat.. and every materialistic item I possess, because there is nothing that SOMEONE can't complain about. 

Why do I love social media? I could probably go on for miles about the positives I can see with it, but let me share my top 5..

1. Friends.

 -We are all very well aware of how much your life changes at various stages. School, moving, marriage, kids, new home, new job, the list is ever lasting! If I didn't have the opportunity to reach out to my friends in ways other than face to face I would never know what's going on with them! Do I wish I was able to see every one of them in person and talk their ears off?! You betcha! But I can't, and it doesn't always workout that way. I am so grateful we can share our thoughts, memories, trips, and plan get togethers all from the touch of a finger.

2. Family.

-I have 2 brothers, a half sister, 2 half brothers, a step sister and step brother (holy blended!) and not one of us live in the same city. We are spread across multiple cities in multiple states. My one brother even is overseas right now. Talk about hard to sit down with. If we didn't have the capability to stay in touch online the way we do, I'm not sure we would be nearly as close as some of us are today. Let alone, my worry some heart would never be updated on my solider. Until I really started engaging in social media, I didn't even know a large majority of my family. Crazy! It makes you feel connected without being completely left out.

3. Work/advertisement/branding.

-Sure, we all have the one "Facebook friend" that blows up our inbox with a pitch to sell you a product they have teamed up with. Don't let that one person stop you from seeing the positive side to those industries that are BOOMING! I have seen people completely transform their life almost exclusively through social media and have the luxury of doing that from anywhere they can access it! HOW COOL IS THAT?! Product branding and advertisement has such a huge audience on social media platforms, if you're not already out there branding yourself you're behind.

4. Relationships.

-What? You mean social media doesn't only RUIN relationships, but can help?! You're kidding...

No! I promise, and I know I'm not the only person who can relate. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and I think if we didn't have the platforms that are out there today, we wouldn't have made it this far. He is in such a demanding industry that our personal time takes a huge hit. Over a years time, we've probably spent a total of 5 months physically together and of that 60% is just enough time to be home to crawl into bed before the alarm pulls me out in the morning. It's crazy when you really analyze it that way. If it wasn't for Snapchat, Facebook, FaceTime, and Instagram or even the messaging apps we have to use when hes out of the county, I wouldn't even know this man! I love being able to share those photos and moments while he's away, it makes the time pass far more quickly than if I didn't have the ability to hear from him. Social media has really helped us be able to stay connected and really commit time and the things we love to our relationship.

Last but certainly not least..

5. Confidence.

-This may be my most controversial point but before you role your eyes, hear me out. Social media takes a HUGE hit for ruining self confidence. People assume that the way things are advertised are they way you have to look and be. The way these are perceived has been a consistent topic when it comes to the everyday effects of self confidence.

But like throwing a stone in pond, there's a ripple effect..

Especially over the course of the last year, people have really been standing up to this form of social media hate and using it to promote positivity. We went from body shaming anybody who wasn't a size 2 in the media, to loving and promoting a healthy, curvy girl. We had a plus size model on the cover of sports illustrated for the first time ever and she is was praised for that! 

How does this help my confidence? Easy! I'm not ugly because I'm not size nothing. You're not ugly for being size nothing. Women have really stepped up and started promoting how we need to love ourselves for who we are. You don't have to look like the girl next to you because you're not her. Thanks to social media, messages similar to these are being spread all over the world!



Some call it being lazy and imprersonal, I call it innovative and convenient. We have the opportunity to share our stories and ideas far outside of the norm and I am blown away at the amount of opportunities that has created for not only my generation, but anybody who applies themselves to this culture. The constant negativity has to stop.  We have the power to change the world at the touch of our finger tips. Be connected.

Until  next time

Xo.

The value of a moment before it becomes a memory.

As Christmas season has fully sprung upon us, I can't help but get excited for probably one of my favorite times of the year! It's arguably the most wonderful time of the year, right?! (Pun fully intended) Between the beautiful lights, cheerful music and an excuse to get the whole family together, everyone seems to be in a good mood!

...

Except for those without family,  or money, or someone to spread the Christmas cheer with..

So easily we get wrapped up in getting the best gift for everyone, I'm SO guilty of it myself. I try to find something of value to everyone I know, I just want to get everyone everything they've ever wanted and see how excited they get when they open their gifts. Not that you shouldn't buy someone a great gift or feel wrong for spending a little bit more on a gift for someone you love, I do it because I can..not because I feel like I have to, unlike so many others.

The problem is we get so caught up on the price value of a gift over the emotional value that if what we give isn't returned we're left feeling almost, upset and under appreciated. Let me tell you, being broke and upset is really depressing.

I was brought much clarity today when speaking with some family about Christmas and how excited I was to exchange gifts when I could feel the fear of failure when they said to me, "it's going to be a small Christmas from us..we can't afford to do big things." My heart instantly dropped and I felt so sad. It's been put into so many minds that if you don't get the latest and greatest your "Christmas value" is lessened. Please no no no, that's not what it's about at all. Like I said, I do it because I can..I want to and I am able to. 

I have gone through Christmas without gifts, without my mom, with friends and family deployed, by myself, with no money in my account to spend, and after the loss of loved ones. They are some of the most difficult emotional experiences you can go through but they give you such appreciation for what is important. One of my most favorite Christmases to date was just last year. I was living by myself and my mom was out of state working, I didn't think I was going to see her at all and I was going to be stuck spending Christmas alone, again. It was just a sad feeling. To much surprise my mom drove all the way home and her, my stepdad, and myself just stayed in my apartment, cooked dinner and watched movies. No gifts, no money spent, and one of the most valuable family times I have experienced. 

I think when people say money can't buy happiness, those are the moments they refer to. Sure my parents could have sent me gifts, or money and I would have appreciated that but I would remember that time spent together far longer and it will hold far more value to me emotionally than any gift given. 

Coming from a family where physical time spent together is few and far between, those moments are the best gifts I could ever receive. So remember this giving season that not everything you give has to be of monetary value. Time spent lounging around the house, sipping hot cocoa, sledding in the snow, watching movies, just being TOGETHER is huge. Not everybody gets the luxury of having someone to spend this time with so value what DO have. Objects can be replaced, people can't.

"The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because when you are giving someone your time, You are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back."– Anonymous

The best Christmas gift you can give me this season is to tell those who spend their time and love on you how much you appreciate just that.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone out there!!  May you never forget the value of the moments spent with those you love.

Until next time.

Xo

Don't always search for something better.

I think growing up in a time where just about everything you want is a click away, we've instilled in our minds that the moment the smallest thing goes wrong we can change it right there and then and it will be better. True maybe for things like broken jewelry or a run down car, but people are not objects. As much as I wish I didn't have to admit this, I am so guilty of it. 

One of the root causes in my opinion that ruins friendships and relationships, romantic and emotional. Sure they're a great friend but isn't always available when I am while this friend is always open so I'll stop putting my time into one and hangout with other. Or sure he was a great boyfriend but theres so many other guys out there I'm sure I can find one with a better job and more money. We get so caught up in searching for something thats better than what we got, we forget to appreciate what we have and never realize the true value and potential it could have.

*BIG lesson this month.*

I've been struggling to adjust to my new life changes the past month in a half and it got to the point that I just broke down and let the weight of everything tear me down. Although, in everyone else's defense I never brought it up either because I don't like pity and I don't like the confrontation that leaves me vulnerable and in tears in front of people I love and respect. Leaving me to do the only thing I knew how to do and that was write about it. Social media has this amazing way of letting you be vulnerable behind a safe wall that avoids the face to face confrontational awkwardness..

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of love that was shared with me after I did that. From those people I see so often I forget to remind them how much I value them, people I haven't connected with in weeks, months, years that were so quick to come to my rescue. My mom who I don't spend nearly enough time with, and one of the most important ones..my boyfriend. Who probably took most the heat from my breakdown only creating a strain on our relationship that wasn't even there to begin with. Part of me was disappointed by it. I just thought to myself that they only wanted to see me or write to me out of pity and that bothered me. I don't want to have to walk around and throw pity parties in order to get people to hang around me, it didn't feel right! But looking deeper into what they were saying and how they treated me is really what opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart. That "pity" I received was all constructive, "I'm sorry you're going though this but, it's a part of growing up, its a part of life." They weren't holding my hand, complimenting me to cover up my pain..they were reminding me that I am at a turning point in my life where it's normal to lose touch with certain people and start a more "routine" life. Where you may start to see people less but you shouldn't let the inevitable fate of growing up make you throw out everything good that you have. Not that I can't have fun with friends and keep things exciting with my boyfriend, those moments are just shared differently than before. I couldn't be more thankful for that reminder. Who better to take advice about growing up from than people who have all gone through the same thing?? I can honestly tell you that every person who I've spoke with since then have all said they went though the exact same thing. I mean, it only makes sense..you spend your whole life going through school with the same people..you go to college and have roommates that you see everyday and constantly have events going on and people around, to graduating or leaving school finding work in different states and cities and countries..we all go our separate ways and that's just this crazy thing called life. 

I need to stop searching on how to replace everything difficult and learn to challenge myself to appreciate and adjust to everything I already have. I need to speak up and confront my fears and challenges before it builds up and breaks me down, its okay not to be okay 100% of the time. All of my amazing friends are still amazing friends, we've just all reached this point at a different time. They are away or taking classes or work 30-40+ hours a week or have houses to clean, kids to take care of, families that need them and spouses they need quality time with. Some even going through exactly what I am but too felt like they had nobody to talk with. I need to go see family, blood or not as much as I can, as much as I'm growing up so are they. Family has an amazing way of making everything feel okay even if just for that moment. I need to appreciate my boyfriend for all of his dedication and hard work, I can proudly say in my whole entire life I have never seen someone so dedicated and willing to something that at days has him wanting to pull his hair out. Grateful that he works so hard so he can build a strong future. A rare exception to someone searching for something better..when things get hard he searches for how to make that situation better, not just leave it. Or my favorite line of his, "stop worrying, I'm not going anywhere" followed by his million dollar smile, crazy tight hug and kiss on my forehead..simple, sassy, but full of so much meaning to someone who came from a disposable background of people giving up.

Truly from the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has opened my eyes to reality. Taking my irrational breakdown and showing me that it's completely normal. It's not the end of the world, my world is just changing. Change is good and I find myself excited for the challenges I have to face because if I wasn't having these obstacles I know that I'm not allowing myself to grow. A wise man once said, "If you look at the world when you are 50 the same way you looked at it when you were 20 and it hasn’t changed, then you have wasted 30 years of your life" -Muhammed Ali. You've showered me with knowledge and an over abundance of love that gives me the confidence in myself that has been lacking. I am so incredibly lucky and I promise I will be sure to recognize that.

until next time.

xo

If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

Easier said than done, am I right?

This past August I chose to make a huge life change and accepted a job two hours away from where I was currently living. Not that I was unhappy with where I was, but with school soon coming to an end for me and looking to find a job that I could make a career, my thirst for my future was strong enough I would have gone anywhere. Now this location is no random place, its actually in the town I grew up in and longed to return to. My friends are here, my boyfriend is here,  people I considered family, and an amazing opportunity with a well-known company that I was honored to be asked to become a part of. There was no hesitation at accepting the position. 

That being said, my expectations were so incredibly high to come back. In my mind everything would pick up exactly where they left off but only better. My friends and I could drive now and are all 21+ so we would see each other anytime we wanted and our options were limitless. I would go from seeing my boyfriend once a week or once every two weeks to seeing him everyday and my world would be all rainbows and butterflies and I would live happily ever after.. well, I am no princess and life is definitely no fairytale. Thinking it out loud now I can't believe how naive I was..

Alike myself, those friends have everyday jobs and other obligations..no way they would stop those just cause I'm back. They all have gone 6 years without me here, creating lives that didn't involve me and wouldn't realize I'm missing out because I haven't wanted to be included until now. Connecting with friends is much easier when you can post on their wall or shoot them a text every few months. That classic agreement to the "we need to get together soon" phrase and then those plans fall through.  The commitment of actually taking time out of our "busy" days seemed impossible.

My boyfriend has a crazy extensive and demanding job. He generally crawls into bed at 10:30pm and leaves it at 5:30am and has out of town trips, so we still only really get to spend quality time once or twice a week. He comes home and gets an earful of my day good, bad and every emotion that goes through my mind. He is bombarded with questions of me asking for details on his day but he ends up being so exhausted I'm left with answers like, "work was work" or "it was fine". I lack those other outlets so he alone is left with the burden of my overactive mouth. Feeling like an annoyance, our conversations are limited because I don't want my problems to become a problem of our relationship, potentially pushing out the only person I currently have here.

My job...I LOVE my new job..I really do but starting a new job alone everyone knows is a work in progress. So excited for my role, I was hit with reality when I realized how extensive the work would include and come home mentally exhausted every night. Thankfully, I have nothing better to do with my time then focus on work so I find myself day by day getting more comfortable in my role and fitting in so well, reassuring me that the decision I made to come here was the right one.

I miss my old friends. I miss having someone I can ask to go get ice cream with late at night because id do anything to get out of studying. I miss being able to just show up at my friends apartment looking homeless and lay around with them talking about everything under the sun because I've had a bad day and don't want to be alone. Not that I can't still see my old friends, the convenience of having them here when I need them just got more difficult...I miss how excited my boyfriend was to talk about my day with me and how much he looked forward to spending time with me because we hardly got to see each other. Now he knows a majority of my conversations are frustration and sadness and that's not exactly what someone wants to hear after a full day of extensive work. Not that I love him less or I am angry with him for not fulfilling my loneliness, I understand that can get frustrating everyday. I just think that there was always something new and exciting when we finally got to see each other and in my bad moments I had my girls...he never had to see this side of me. I think seeing each other on a more frequent basis creates a more routine relationship that takes away from that excitement, and his inability (not a diss, most guys struggle with this) to understand my array of emotions that he never had to deal with before forces me to keep struggles and my bad days to myself...the town is the same as when I left it but the people sure have changed.

I never imagined to fell like I don't belong in my hometown.

All of these things will progressively get better with time I'm sure, and really hope they do..its just hard setting such high exceptions that only leave me feeling defeated. I was looking forward to this huge change, but change is hard. Trying to put up these walls and have such a hard exterior and look okay that Im only going to end up ruining myself from the inside out knowing that if I leave it built up too long my small crack will eventually explode leaving a mess without an easy clean up. So this is my crack..because writing a post in a blog that nobody reads is a way that allows me to lift some of that weight of from my shoulders.

*taking deep breathes *

until next time.

xo

Relationships shouldn't be fair, they should be worth it.

Sacrifice (sac.ri.fice; noun) - the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.

    Something I have always struggled with is giving more than I am given, but looking at it all ass backwards. Growing up in a society where everything you do needs a post followed by a lot of likes in order to hold value to you really messes with your self-confidence. I am so guilty of this toxic feeling. Not that you shouldn’t post pictures, videos and status, you just shouldn’t let them control your happiness. I take pictures of everything; everywhere I go for the memories so I can look back and relive them all over again. It’s a habit of mine that I never want to get over because people in pictures can change while the memories remain the same. My problem isn’t the pictures I take, it’s getting so wrapped up in the idea of how people will react to the post that follows the memory I forget to enjoy it in that moment. I love bragging, and sharing all these amazing moments I have that if the other doesn’t post about it in the way that I do I feel like my presence wasn’t worth the attention to them. How shaded can I get?! Validation for my relationship shouldn’t be competitive, I shouldn’t be looking for clarity through a social media post and if that’s what I’m basing my relationship off from maybe I’m not ready to be in one.

   Everybody knows that 50+50=100 but relationships aren’t a math equation; both sides should be giving 100% at all time regardless of how different each ones “all in” is. I read a quote once that went like this,

      “I gave you $10, he gave you $20. You felt that he was better just because he gave you more, but he had $200, and all I had was $10.” 
   
     That’s when it hit me, not everybody loves the same way you do and if they don’t you worry it’s not there. Just because someone isn’t posting about you on their social media accounts every time you’re together doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy your company. If you buy your significant other a really expensive gift and they don’t buy one at equal value it doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much. There’s always going to be days here and there where you’re going to feel like you’re doing more than the other but that doesn’t mean you should stop what you’re doing in order to make it more “fair”. What matters most is how you treat each other when social media and other outside factors aren’t involved.

     If seeing the one you love makes your heart race a little faster, your smile a little brighter, and your stomach sore the next day from all the laughs you’ve share you’re already more fortunate than a lot of other people. Just because you’re not that week’s #MCM or #WCW doesn’t mean they’re not crushing on you every other day of the week. Just because things look peachy keen on social media doesn’t mean it’s filled with love behind closed doors and just because things aren’t posted all over for everyone else to see doesn’t mean there isn’t love outside of social media platforms. A successful and happy relationship is about someone who fights for what’s real when things get tough, it’s about someone who pushes you to be a better person than you are today and wants to help you reach your goals. A relationship is between two people, not you and how the world reacts to how you look to them.

     When you’ve been fortunate enough as I have to find someone that fills your heart without the constant, daily post and makes you realize the difference in value of their presence versus presents…you will find yourself realizing how little the thought of others bothers you. Give each other compassion, commitment, laughs, lots of kisses, cuddles, criticism when needed, a helping hand, support, memories and love. You will have a relationship far more valuable than a picture with hundreds of likes.

until next time.

xo

Agnostic or Afraid?

You know those "friends" you have, that can never seem to make time for you until it some how conveniances them? Im sure a name or two just popped into your head. Those ones that you consider your friends but find only yourself constantly going out of your way to see them and for some reason you always find yourself going back to them, thats me..

I'm that "friend" to God anyways.

I don't go to church every Sunday, and quite frankly I couldn't tell you the last time even that I went to church with the exception of wedding receptions. I don't pray when I wake up, before every meal or before bed. I don't read scriptures out of my bible, I drank before 21, I've had sex out of wedlock, Ive used phrases that are in vain to His name, I work hard for money I want, for things I don't need and I envy many people who live the lifestyle I long for. I cant post bible verses or speak about my faith to others, I would just be another "poser" because of my lack of commitment to something bigger than myself.



Up until my brother passed away, my faith was a lot stronger. I attended things like bible study, youth group and youth for Christ. There was a family I was close with that I joined on Sundays to go to church and I had bible versus that I rewrote and had in my room and over my walls. I was happy with the idea of God. Then he let my brother make a mistake that has forever flipped my life around..the man who controls it all allowed for this to happen and I don't understand. I was SO angry at Him, the one who is supposed to provide those lost with hope, give those with trouble a sign things would get better, and he let me down only a few months later to disappoint again by taking my Grandpa from my family as well. We didn't even have time to go through the phase of losing someone until another was taken. It made me upset and lose very much faith in the man upstairs. What could my family have done so wrong to make him hate us?



So why do I still believe in some higher power that has the ability to control the outcome of life? Am I afraid not to believe in anything at all? Why do I reach out when I've lost my way and need something, anything to believe in but in times of good and happiness I don't thank Him? When I heard the news of my brother my first reaction was to just pray..when my grandpa died, the whole drive up I prayed. For my family, for strength, for comfort in why he had to go. I love the idea of knowing there is life after life. That regardless of what pains we go through here, one day it will all be pain free. I love the idea of knowing that one day I will see them again, all those I lost in this lifetime will once again be in my presence and we can share laughs and love once again. That is my definition of God. Something that you can believe and confide in when you find yourself lost.



You may not believe in Him and I am not trying to discredit whatever form of higher power you do believe in, and the purpose of me writing this is not to convince you, or make you think that I am not worthy of His love and friendship. Thats what is SO great about our version of God, he is so very forgiving. No, I am not worth his love but I feel it anyways. When I play music that speaks of him I feel safe and comfort, when I attended places of worship or hear stories people share on their experiences I am overwhelmed with a feeling only you could feel for yourself. I would never force my beliefs or lack of on you, because what do I have to prove? So regardless if there really is a God or not, the idea of believing in something that can provide us with the hope and love that we lack is something I do believe in.



If any of you are feeling as though you've sinned too much, or you don't 'have time" or it's not worth your time, I am here to tell you that its never too late to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Cause if we lose hope, what do we have?

until next time.

xo