Agnostic or Afraid?

You know those "friends" you have, that can never seem to make time for you until it some how conveniances them? Im sure a name or two just popped into your head. Those ones that you consider your friends but find only yourself constantly going out of your way to see them and for some reason you always find yourself going back to them, thats me..

I'm that "friend" to God anyways.

I don't go to church every Sunday, and quite frankly I couldn't tell you the last time even that I went to church with the exception of wedding receptions. I don't pray when I wake up, before every meal or before bed. I don't read scriptures out of my bible, I drank before 21, I've had sex out of wedlock, Ive used phrases that are in vain to His name, I work hard for money I want, for things I don't need and I envy many people who live the lifestyle I long for. I cant post bible verses or speak about my faith to others, I would just be another "poser" because of my lack of commitment to something bigger than myself.



Up until my brother passed away, my faith was a lot stronger. I attended things like bible study, youth group and youth for Christ. There was a family I was close with that I joined on Sundays to go to church and I had bible versus that I rewrote and had in my room and over my walls. I was happy with the idea of God. Then he let my brother make a mistake that has forever flipped my life around..the man who controls it all allowed for this to happen and I don't understand. I was SO angry at Him, the one who is supposed to provide those lost with hope, give those with trouble a sign things would get better, and he let me down only a few months later to disappoint again by taking my Grandpa from my family as well. We didn't even have time to go through the phase of losing someone until another was taken. It made me upset and lose very much faith in the man upstairs. What could my family have done so wrong to make him hate us?



So why do I still believe in some higher power that has the ability to control the outcome of life? Am I afraid not to believe in anything at all? Why do I reach out when I've lost my way and need something, anything to believe in but in times of good and happiness I don't thank Him? When I heard the news of my brother my first reaction was to just pray..when my grandpa died, the whole drive up I prayed. For my family, for strength, for comfort in why he had to go. I love the idea of knowing there is life after life. That regardless of what pains we go through here, one day it will all be pain free. I love the idea of knowing that one day I will see them again, all those I lost in this lifetime will once again be in my presence and we can share laughs and love once again. That is my definition of God. Something that you can believe and confide in when you find yourself lost.



You may not believe in Him and I am not trying to discredit whatever form of higher power you do believe in, and the purpose of me writing this is not to convince you, or make you think that I am not worthy of His love and friendship. Thats what is SO great about our version of God, he is so very forgiving. No, I am not worth his love but I feel it anyways. When I play music that speaks of him I feel safe and comfort, when I attended places of worship or hear stories people share on their experiences I am overwhelmed with a feeling only you could feel for yourself. I would never force my beliefs or lack of on you, because what do I have to prove? So regardless if there really is a God or not, the idea of believing in something that can provide us with the hope and love that we lack is something I do believe in.



If any of you are feeling as though you've sinned too much, or you don't 'have time" or it's not worth your time, I am here to tell you that its never too late to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Cause if we lose hope, what do we have?

until next time.

xo

To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

9 things you never thanked your step dad for.

I hope that you realize when she said "I do" that meant that I do too. Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a step dad, so thank you. Thank you for...

1. Helping with heavy lifting

Because lets get real, as much as id like to do everything on my own I just cant! You’ve helped me move when it was time for a new apartment and all the goodies that come with having your own place. Thanks for the extra muscle

2. Talking sports with me

Ive always been into sports and unfortunately most of my girlfriends aren’t. Even though we don’t have the same taste in tv shows its nice being able to sit out in the living room together and watch our favorite teams compete and unless its State or the Tigers, I’ll always enjoy rooting against the team you want. :)

3. Having all the tools I need and then some

I know nothing when it comes to tools aside from the basics like what a hammer, saw, flat head and Philips screw driver is. Thankfully when I come out to the garage with some funky looking screw you have just the tool I need to use and often offer to just do it for me.

4. Building me things

On top of having all the tools I need to take things apart, youre always willing to jimmy me up something when I need it built! You’ve made bookshelves, end tables, tv stands  and found ways to hook up my crazy heavy mirror (bring on the 7 years of bad luck because that bad boy is now broken..) Not to mention all this things you have to build on the “honey to-do list”

5. Picking on mom with me

I’ll still never understand why picking on the people you love is a good thing but it sure is fun and definitely more enjoyable when you’ve got more people on your side.

6. Playing mom when mine was out of town

Anybody who knows me knows im a complete social butterfly, I always wanted to go to all the games and spend the weekends at my friends. Thanks for being the set of wheels I didn’t have and then sharing the car when I finally was able to drive until I got my own.

7. Putting up with my attitude

I was in my teens when you and my mom married and my attitude fit your stereotypical teen attitude. I “hated” my mom and was too cool to do whatever it was you guys were doing. I never directly snapped at you but you were always around when my mom and I were arguing and even reminded me a time or two that I should apologize. Thanks for never giving up on me.

8. Inviting me into your family

It’s almost as scary as it was transferring in high school, meeting new family members. They always freak me out, your family knows you forever and already knows how you are but adding a new person can be intimidating. Yours was SO welcoming and still are! When my mom was away and even being an adult now you always invite me to family functions and that means a lot when mine is so far away.

9. Loving my mom.

This is the most important and easily the one im most thankful for. My mom spent her whole life putting us kids first and doing what she could to provide for what we wanted. It’s SO nice to see someone love her and be there for her the way she always was for us. Thanks for loving her stubbornness.

     I never had a steady father figure in my life that was constantly around. You may not like when I pull in the drive with the bass bumping, leaving unwashed dishes in the sink and all the time I spend on my phone, but despite the lack of words we share daily I truly appreciate all things you’ve done for my family. You comforted through some of the worst years of our life, enjoyed some of the best and put up living with two girls..two stubborn, stubborn girls. Thanks for completing our family and doing the manly things that we don’t want to. We owe you!

until next  time.

xo

More than a pet

     They have the ability to make you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and then turn around and put you on the highest high you’ve ever felt, and it’s usually all within five minutes of each other.

My cat is the most preppy, annoying and loudest cat I have ever encountered. He won’t drink his water if it’s been sitting out all day so he would rather stick his head in when I shower and lick when it drips off the faucet to later freak out that his head is all wet.  He climbs up on the counter when I brush my teeth so he can drink the running water and you would think after spitting my toothpaste on him multiple times (not on purpose) he would learn that’s not the best decision. When I take him outside he prefers to just sit on the porch because he hates the way the grass feels under his paws, and don’t get me started on the way he shakes and flickers when he gets dirt on him. Ugh, and his me[OW]! In the morning, at night, when I’m leaving, when I get home, when I’m showering, when I’m in a different room than him, when I stop petting him, when I don’t take him outside with me, and my personal favorite, when im sleeping..HE IS MEOWING. It’s not your cute little kitten meow either, it’s a high pitched screech that gets old..reaaaally fast. He drives me absolutely insane!

     Aside from all of these though, he is the cutest, friendliest, cuddliest, handsome, adorable, loving cat I’ve ever known! I mean, just LOOK AT HIM!   I can’t be upset when he wakes me up gently caressing my face with his soft paws like he’s saying, “mommy wake up it’s time for work!” its so innocent!
I think he consumes more space on my phone than I do, and anybody who knows me know that I save just about every picture and snapchat I take, the ultimate picture hoarder, and he wins hands down. He’s always there to greet me at the door when I come home and I tell you what, when I’m having a rough day seeing his white little sockies come running to me the moment I open the door is so heartwarming and he never misses a day! My bed contains more cat hair then mine...good thing I’m not allergic (sorry Austin).. His favorite place to sleep is snuggled up right in the crease of my neck, and even though it’s usually 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. The amount of comfort and love he makes me feel just by simply jumping up on my lap and instantly purring is overwhelmingly the best form of butterflies I have ever got.

      They’re a lot of work, they stink, they’re loud, they’re destructive and they skip to your last button without pushing the others, but they fill you with so much love and loyalty that makes it all worth it.

Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawaken

                                                                                                                                -Anatole France

until next time.

xo

To my work best friend

     We bonded over awkward break room lunches, customer stories and our love for sarcasm. My over excitement and inability to be quiet and do nothing really evens out your RBF syndrome (it’s something you’re born with, I know you’re not reaaaally that bad) and thrill of sitting at home binge watching Netflix. 

     

      I was scared of you at first, you were really quiet and seemed to be the first out the door when the day was over, but it turns out we had a lot more in common than we thought. We have the same taste in music, share celebrity crushes, hate to love the Kardashians, we’re obsessed with Chinese food, wear the same shoe size and can conveniently fit into each other’s clothing. I’ve worked with you for 2 years now and almost daily we spend our lunches jamming out to trap music and the occasional Justin Bieber, eating Panera salads and fueling our shopping addiction. We’ve got to the point of knowing exactly what one is think just by our facial expressions and having code words and names for everything.  I spend more time with you than any other person in my life and we still choose to see each other outside of work..how you’re not sick of me yet is a mystery I hope I never solve. I can confide in you with anything and you always know the right thing to say and sometimes it’s nothing at all. You make me read the fine print when I’m online shopping and make sure to make fun of me when I order something from China that probably won’t come until 2020. You send me all the cat photos because you know how much I love cats and our text messages are completely consumed by inappropriate memes and links to celebrity gossip articles. Constantly pulling my head up on the days I want it to drag and making sure I get a little extra expresso in my coffee on long, early mornings. You help me grow everyday as a person, make work a place I look forward to going to everyday (so stop taking vacation days without me), calm me when I’m frustrated and always listen when I have more than an earful to say. We share laughs, frustrations, secrets, lunches, clothes and most importantly memories.

Thank you for making work not seem like work at all.

until next time.

xo