The value of a moment before it becomes a memory.

As Christmas season has fully sprung upon us, I can't help but get excited for probably one of my favorite times of the year! It's arguably the most wonderful time of the year, right?! (Pun fully intended) Between the beautiful lights, cheerful music and an excuse to get the whole family together, everyone seems to be in a good mood!

...

Except for those without family,  or money, or someone to spread the Christmas cheer with..

So easily we get wrapped up in getting the best gift for everyone, I'm SO guilty of it myself. I try to find something of value to everyone I know, I just want to get everyone everything they've ever wanted and see how excited they get when they open their gifts. Not that you shouldn't buy someone a great gift or feel wrong for spending a little bit more on a gift for someone you love, I do it because I can..not because I feel like I have to, unlike so many others.

The problem is we get so caught up on the price value of a gift over the emotional value that if what we give isn't returned we're left feeling almost, upset and under appreciated. Let me tell you, being broke and upset is really depressing.

I was brought much clarity today when speaking with some family about Christmas and how excited I was to exchange gifts when I could feel the fear of failure when they said to me, "it's going to be a small Christmas from us..we can't afford to do big things." My heart instantly dropped and I felt so sad. It's been put into so many minds that if you don't get the latest and greatest your "Christmas value" is lessened. Please no no no, that's not what it's about at all. Like I said, I do it because I can..I want to and I am able to. 

I have gone through Christmas without gifts, without my mom, with friends and family deployed, by myself, with no money in my account to spend, and after the loss of loved ones. They are some of the most difficult emotional experiences you can go through but they give you such appreciation for what is important. One of my most favorite Christmases to date was just last year. I was living by myself and my mom was out of state working, I didn't think I was going to see her at all and I was going to be stuck spending Christmas alone, again. It was just a sad feeling. To much surprise my mom drove all the way home and her, my stepdad, and myself just stayed in my apartment, cooked dinner and watched movies. No gifts, no money spent, and one of the most valuable family times I have experienced. 

I think when people say money can't buy happiness, those are the moments they refer to. Sure my parents could have sent me gifts, or money and I would have appreciated that but I would remember that time spent together far longer and it will hold far more value to me emotionally than any gift given. 

Coming from a family where physical time spent together is few and far between, those moments are the best gifts I could ever receive. So remember this giving season that not everything you give has to be of monetary value. Time spent lounging around the house, sipping hot cocoa, sledding in the snow, watching movies, just being TOGETHER is huge. Not everybody gets the luxury of having someone to spend this time with so value what DO have. Objects can be replaced, people can't.

"The greatest gift you can give someone is your time because when you are giving someone your time, You are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back."– Anonymous

The best Christmas gift you can give me this season is to tell those who spend their time and love on you how much you appreciate just that.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone out there!!  May you never forget the value of the moments spent with those you love.

Until next time.

Xo

Don't always search for something better.

I think growing up in a time where just about everything you want is a click away, we've instilled in our minds that the moment the smallest thing goes wrong we can change it right there and then and it will be better. True maybe for things like broken jewelry or a run down car, but people are not objects. As much as I wish I didn't have to admit this, I am so guilty of it. 

One of the root causes in my opinion that ruins friendships and relationships, romantic and emotional. Sure they're a great friend but isn't always available when I am while this friend is always open so I'll stop putting my time into one and hangout with other. Or sure he was a great boyfriend but theres so many other guys out there I'm sure I can find one with a better job and more money. We get so caught up in searching for something thats better than what we got, we forget to appreciate what we have and never realize the true value and potential it could have.

*BIG lesson this month.*

I've been struggling to adjust to my new life changes the past month in a half and it got to the point that I just broke down and let the weight of everything tear me down. Although, in everyone else's defense I never brought it up either because I don't like pity and I don't like the confrontation that leaves me vulnerable and in tears in front of people I love and respect. Leaving me to do the only thing I knew how to do and that was write about it. Social media has this amazing way of letting you be vulnerable behind a safe wall that avoids the face to face confrontational awkwardness..

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of love that was shared with me after I did that. From those people I see so often I forget to remind them how much I value them, people I haven't connected with in weeks, months, years that were so quick to come to my rescue. My mom who I don't spend nearly enough time with, and one of the most important ones..my boyfriend. Who probably took most the heat from my breakdown only creating a strain on our relationship that wasn't even there to begin with. Part of me was disappointed by it. I just thought to myself that they only wanted to see me or write to me out of pity and that bothered me. I don't want to have to walk around and throw pity parties in order to get people to hang around me, it didn't feel right! But looking deeper into what they were saying and how they treated me is really what opened my eyes and more importantly, my heart. That "pity" I received was all constructive, "I'm sorry you're going though this but, it's a part of growing up, its a part of life." They weren't holding my hand, complimenting me to cover up my pain..they were reminding me that I am at a turning point in my life where it's normal to lose touch with certain people and start a more "routine" life. Where you may start to see people less but you shouldn't let the inevitable fate of growing up make you throw out everything good that you have. Not that I can't have fun with friends and keep things exciting with my boyfriend, those moments are just shared differently than before. I couldn't be more thankful for that reminder. Who better to take advice about growing up from than people who have all gone through the same thing?? I can honestly tell you that every person who I've spoke with since then have all said they went though the exact same thing. I mean, it only makes sense..you spend your whole life going through school with the same people..you go to college and have roommates that you see everyday and constantly have events going on and people around, to graduating or leaving school finding work in different states and cities and countries..we all go our separate ways and that's just this crazy thing called life. 

I need to stop searching on how to replace everything difficult and learn to challenge myself to appreciate and adjust to everything I already have. I need to speak up and confront my fears and challenges before it builds up and breaks me down, its okay not to be okay 100% of the time. All of my amazing friends are still amazing friends, we've just all reached this point at a different time. They are away or taking classes or work 30-40+ hours a week or have houses to clean, kids to take care of, families that need them and spouses they need quality time with. Some even going through exactly what I am but too felt like they had nobody to talk with. I need to go see family, blood or not as much as I can, as much as I'm growing up so are they. Family has an amazing way of making everything feel okay even if just for that moment. I need to appreciate my boyfriend for all of his dedication and hard work, I can proudly say in my whole entire life I have never seen someone so dedicated and willing to something that at days has him wanting to pull his hair out. Grateful that he works so hard so he can build a strong future. A rare exception to someone searching for something better..when things get hard he searches for how to make that situation better, not just leave it. Or my favorite line of his, "stop worrying, I'm not going anywhere" followed by his million dollar smile, crazy tight hug and kiss on my forehead..simple, sassy, but full of so much meaning to someone who came from a disposable background of people giving up.

Truly from the bottom of my heart thank you to everyone who has opened my eyes to reality. Taking my irrational breakdown and showing me that it's completely normal. It's not the end of the world, my world is just changing. Change is good and I find myself excited for the challenges I have to face because if I wasn't having these obstacles I know that I'm not allowing myself to grow. A wise man once said, "If you look at the world when you are 50 the same way you looked at it when you were 20 and it hasn’t changed, then you have wasted 30 years of your life" -Muhammed Ali. You've showered me with knowledge and an over abundance of love that gives me the confidence in myself that has been lacking. I am so incredibly lucky and I promise I will be sure to recognize that.

until next time.

xo

If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed.

Easier said than done, am I right?

This past August I chose to make a huge life change and accepted a job two hours away from where I was currently living. Not that I was unhappy with where I was, but with school soon coming to an end for me and looking to find a job that I could make a career, my thirst for my future was strong enough I would have gone anywhere. Now this location is no random place, its actually in the town I grew up in and longed to return to. My friends are here, my boyfriend is here,  people I considered family, and an amazing opportunity with a well-known company that I was honored to be asked to become a part of. There was no hesitation at accepting the position. 

That being said, my expectations were so incredibly high to come back. In my mind everything would pick up exactly where they left off but only better. My friends and I could drive now and are all 21+ so we would see each other anytime we wanted and our options were limitless. I would go from seeing my boyfriend once a week or once every two weeks to seeing him everyday and my world would be all rainbows and butterflies and I would live happily ever after.. well, I am no princess and life is definitely no fairytale. Thinking it out loud now I can't believe how naive I was..

Alike myself, those friends have everyday jobs and other obligations..no way they would stop those just cause I'm back. They all have gone 6 years without me here, creating lives that didn't involve me and wouldn't realize I'm missing out because I haven't wanted to be included until now. Connecting with friends is much easier when you can post on their wall or shoot them a text every few months. That classic agreement to the "we need to get together soon" phrase and then those plans fall through.  The commitment of actually taking time out of our "busy" days seemed impossible.

My boyfriend has a crazy extensive and demanding job. He generally crawls into bed at 10:30pm and leaves it at 5:30am and has out of town trips, so we still only really get to spend quality time once or twice a week. He comes home and gets an earful of my day good, bad and every emotion that goes through my mind. He is bombarded with questions of me asking for details on his day but he ends up being so exhausted I'm left with answers like, "work was work" or "it was fine". I lack those other outlets so he alone is left with the burden of my overactive mouth. Feeling like an annoyance, our conversations are limited because I don't want my problems to become a problem of our relationship, potentially pushing out the only person I currently have here.

My job...I LOVE my new job..I really do but starting a new job alone everyone knows is a work in progress. So excited for my role, I was hit with reality when I realized how extensive the work would include and come home mentally exhausted every night. Thankfully, I have nothing better to do with my time then focus on work so I find myself day by day getting more comfortable in my role and fitting in so well, reassuring me that the decision I made to come here was the right one.

I miss my old friends. I miss having someone I can ask to go get ice cream with late at night because id do anything to get out of studying. I miss being able to just show up at my friends apartment looking homeless and lay around with them talking about everything under the sun because I've had a bad day and don't want to be alone. Not that I can't still see my old friends, the convenience of having them here when I need them just got more difficult...I miss how excited my boyfriend was to talk about my day with me and how much he looked forward to spending time with me because we hardly got to see each other. Now he knows a majority of my conversations are frustration and sadness and that's not exactly what someone wants to hear after a full day of extensive work. Not that I love him less or I am angry with him for not fulfilling my loneliness, I understand that can get frustrating everyday. I just think that there was always something new and exciting when we finally got to see each other and in my bad moments I had my girls...he never had to see this side of me. I think seeing each other on a more frequent basis creates a more routine relationship that takes away from that excitement, and his inability (not a diss, most guys struggle with this) to understand my array of emotions that he never had to deal with before forces me to keep struggles and my bad days to myself...the town is the same as when I left it but the people sure have changed.

I never imagined to fell like I don't belong in my hometown.

All of these things will progressively get better with time I'm sure, and really hope they do..its just hard setting such high exceptions that only leave me feeling defeated. I was looking forward to this huge change, but change is hard. Trying to put up these walls and have such a hard exterior and look okay that Im only going to end up ruining myself from the inside out knowing that if I leave it built up too long my small crack will eventually explode leaving a mess without an easy clean up. So this is my crack..because writing a post in a blog that nobody reads is a way that allows me to lift some of that weight of from my shoulders.

*taking deep breathes *

until next time.

xo

Relationships shouldn't be fair, they should be worth it.

Sacrifice (sac.ri.fice; noun) - the act of giving up something that you want to keep especially in order to get or do something else or to help someone.

    Something I have always struggled with is giving more than I am given, but looking at it all ass backwards. Growing up in a society where everything you do needs a post followed by a lot of likes in order to hold value to you really messes with your self-confidence. I am so guilty of this toxic feeling. Not that you shouldn’t post pictures, videos and status, you just shouldn’t let them control your happiness. I take pictures of everything; everywhere I go for the memories so I can look back and relive them all over again. It’s a habit of mine that I never want to get over because people in pictures can change while the memories remain the same. My problem isn’t the pictures I take, it’s getting so wrapped up in the idea of how people will react to the post that follows the memory I forget to enjoy it in that moment. I love bragging, and sharing all these amazing moments I have that if the other doesn’t post about it in the way that I do I feel like my presence wasn’t worth the attention to them. How shaded can I get?! Validation for my relationship shouldn’t be competitive, I shouldn’t be looking for clarity through a social media post and if that’s what I’m basing my relationship off from maybe I’m not ready to be in one.

   Everybody knows that 50+50=100 but relationships aren’t a math equation; both sides should be giving 100% at all time regardless of how different each ones “all in” is. I read a quote once that went like this,

      “I gave you $10, he gave you $20. You felt that he was better just because he gave you more, but he had $200, and all I had was $10.” 
   
     That’s when it hit me, not everybody loves the same way you do and if they don’t you worry it’s not there. Just because someone isn’t posting about you on their social media accounts every time you’re together doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy your company. If you buy your significant other a really expensive gift and they don’t buy one at equal value it doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much. There’s always going to be days here and there where you’re going to feel like you’re doing more than the other but that doesn’t mean you should stop what you’re doing in order to make it more “fair”. What matters most is how you treat each other when social media and other outside factors aren’t involved.

     If seeing the one you love makes your heart race a little faster, your smile a little brighter, and your stomach sore the next day from all the laughs you’ve share you’re already more fortunate than a lot of other people. Just because you’re not that week’s #MCM or #WCW doesn’t mean they’re not crushing on you every other day of the week. Just because things look peachy keen on social media doesn’t mean it’s filled with love behind closed doors and just because things aren’t posted all over for everyone else to see doesn’t mean there isn’t love outside of social media platforms. A successful and happy relationship is about someone who fights for what’s real when things get tough, it’s about someone who pushes you to be a better person than you are today and wants to help you reach your goals. A relationship is between two people, not you and how the world reacts to how you look to them.

     When you’ve been fortunate enough as I have to find someone that fills your heart without the constant, daily post and makes you realize the difference in value of their presence versus presents…you will find yourself realizing how little the thought of others bothers you. Give each other compassion, commitment, laughs, lots of kisses, cuddles, criticism when needed, a helping hand, support, memories and love. You will have a relationship far more valuable than a picture with hundreds of likes.

until next time.

xo

Agnostic or Afraid?

You know those "friends" you have, that can never seem to make time for you until it some how conveniances them? Im sure a name or two just popped into your head. Those ones that you consider your friends but find only yourself constantly going out of your way to see them and for some reason you always find yourself going back to them, thats me..

I'm that "friend" to God anyways.

I don't go to church every Sunday, and quite frankly I couldn't tell you the last time even that I went to church with the exception of wedding receptions. I don't pray when I wake up, before every meal or before bed. I don't read scriptures out of my bible, I drank before 21, I've had sex out of wedlock, Ive used phrases that are in vain to His name, I work hard for money I want, for things I don't need and I envy many people who live the lifestyle I long for. I cant post bible verses or speak about my faith to others, I would just be another "poser" because of my lack of commitment to something bigger than myself.



Up until my brother passed away, my faith was a lot stronger. I attended things like bible study, youth group and youth for Christ. There was a family I was close with that I joined on Sundays to go to church and I had bible versus that I rewrote and had in my room and over my walls. I was happy with the idea of God. Then he let my brother make a mistake that has forever flipped my life around..the man who controls it all allowed for this to happen and I don't understand. I was SO angry at Him, the one who is supposed to provide those lost with hope, give those with trouble a sign things would get better, and he let me down only a few months later to disappoint again by taking my Grandpa from my family as well. We didn't even have time to go through the phase of losing someone until another was taken. It made me upset and lose very much faith in the man upstairs. What could my family have done so wrong to make him hate us?



So why do I still believe in some higher power that has the ability to control the outcome of life? Am I afraid not to believe in anything at all? Why do I reach out when I've lost my way and need something, anything to believe in but in times of good and happiness I don't thank Him? When I heard the news of my brother my first reaction was to just pray..when my grandpa died, the whole drive up I prayed. For my family, for strength, for comfort in why he had to go. I love the idea of knowing there is life after life. That regardless of what pains we go through here, one day it will all be pain free. I love the idea of knowing that one day I will see them again, all those I lost in this lifetime will once again be in my presence and we can share laughs and love once again. That is my definition of God. Something that you can believe and confide in when you find yourself lost.



You may not believe in Him and I am not trying to discredit whatever form of higher power you do believe in, and the purpose of me writing this is not to convince you, or make you think that I am not worthy of His love and friendship. Thats what is SO great about our version of God, he is so very forgiving. No, I am not worth his love but I feel it anyways. When I play music that speaks of him I feel safe and comfort, when I attended places of worship or hear stories people share on their experiences I am overwhelmed with a feeling only you could feel for yourself. I would never force my beliefs or lack of on you, because what do I have to prove? So regardless if there really is a God or not, the idea of believing in something that can provide us with the hope and love that we lack is something I do believe in.



If any of you are feeling as though you've sinned too much, or you don't 'have time" or it's not worth your time, I am here to tell you that its never too late to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Cause if we lose hope, what do we have?

until next time.

xo

To the man who taught me how to love.

         

            They say that you should love yourself before you love someone else, but in the act of you loving me I have never felt more comfortable in my own body. 

    Despite what some people may perceive, I have never had but an ounce of confidence in my body. My "bubbly" personality that so many people compliment is filled with much insecurity and uncomfortable confrontation. My excessive laughter is usually to cover up the cloud of awkward that surrounds my head daily. Outside I might radiate happiness, liveliness and humor..and I am all of those things but the word confident is not an adjective that I would use to describe myself. In a series of unfortunate life events, my self confidence and sensitivity has taken every blow with an ounce of grace and stability but slowly faded little to none.

    In every moment that I have felt emotionally ready to put myself out there, I was hit with rejection or degrading self worth from others that I sadly began to believe for myself. At one point in life I found myself so low that I resulted to professional help and seclusion. Regardless of who I was around or what I was doing, I was so desperate to find ways to degrade myself to prove all those people who had hurt me in my past, right.

  The father that left; I believed that every man who walked into my life was untrustworthy and unreliable..I walked out on them before they could walk out on me.

  My brother who was the steady male figure in my life and my best friend, that later took his own life; anytime anybody that was close to my heart was experiencing hard times..I felt as though I was to blame and still do.

  My "high school love" that couldn't handle my past; I closed off to everyone who wanted to get to know me in fear that they too couldn't handle it..I was convinced that I was unloveable, and I believed so.

  The guy that used me for a distraction over a bad break to later return to previous relationship but call me at their convenience; I perceived any man that tried for my attention, as a cheat and heartbreaker and believed I wasn't the type of girl people publicly dated..

    In every moment of my life that I felt I was finally ready to pursue something real, I was left feeling lower than I did with the last always concluding that I was the problem. Constantly rebuilding myself up only to be knocked down, accepting that this was the emotional life I was to be left with. 

    Sitting with my two best friends after a night out, balling at the realization that I was unlovable and unworthy, I was unaware of the blessing that was about to come my way and had been right in front of me after all this time...I woke up that morning with a message from a man I have known of for years but never had the confidence to initiate conversation with. I was overwhelmed with excitement that quickly was shaded with fear and past failures I was unaware of how to respond. Why me? Why now? 

   Imagine growing up in the same town, sharing the same friends, and living within miles of each other and never crossing paths with someone. Crazy, right?! ..They say everything happens for a reason but the odds cross my mind almost daily.

   After the attempt of just keeping it casual, the conversations became deeper, phone calls got longer and the hangouts were more frequent. It had been so long that I have had a real conversation with someone emotionally interested in me and not just physically. Someone who general cared about my well-being and only had intentions of hurting my cheeks from an abundance of laughter and smiles. At first I feared my hearts excitement was mistaken by the idea of loving someone and not the realization that maybe I was genuinely falling for somebody..I can honestly say that I have never looked so positively at my future as I do now.

   Everyday I wake up knowing that I have someone that cares for me as a whole, that I can be honest and open with regardless of the confrontation on some uneasy topics. I still have an array of insecurities and feeling of self worthlessness but in those moments I am constantly reminded of my importance to them and all other things I am a part of. I find myself having more good days than bad and more tears from laughter and happiness than sadness.   

   I may have a strong lack of confidence but in the strength and hopefulness of my relationship, I have been reminded how it feels to have a full heart, a sense of self worth and how it feels to have every part of myself..past, present, future, good and bad loved as a whole. You take my bad days and make them good, hold my chin up when it's hanging low, and ignite my motivation to an all time high. Lending a helping hand at making me be the best version of myself way past the boundaries of within our relationship.

   I now live to better myself, not just for those who mean the most to me..but for myself. Thankful for all those failures because reguardless of the outcome at the time, I came out of each one of them a better person than I was before. It's true that you attract what you radiate. Since meeting you I have built stronger relationships among my family, friends and coworkers and am slowly becoming the best me I can be...attracting confidence, happiness and love. 

To the man who reminded me my life only gets better if I want it to, I am forever grateful.

until next time.

xo

9 things you never thanked your step dad for.

I hope that you realize when she said "I do" that meant that I do too. Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a step dad, so thank you. Thank you for...

1. Helping with heavy lifting

Because lets get real, as much as id like to do everything on my own I just cant! You’ve helped me move when it was time for a new apartment and all the goodies that come with having your own place. Thanks for the extra muscle

2. Talking sports with me

Ive always been into sports and unfortunately most of my girlfriends aren’t. Even though we don’t have the same taste in tv shows its nice being able to sit out in the living room together and watch our favorite teams compete and unless its State or the Tigers, I’ll always enjoy rooting against the team you want. :)

3. Having all the tools I need and then some

I know nothing when it comes to tools aside from the basics like what a hammer, saw, flat head and Philips screw driver is. Thankfully when I come out to the garage with some funky looking screw you have just the tool I need to use and often offer to just do it for me.

4. Building me things

On top of having all the tools I need to take things apart, youre always willing to jimmy me up something when I need it built! You’ve made bookshelves, end tables, tv stands  and found ways to hook up my crazy heavy mirror (bring on the 7 years of bad luck because that bad boy is now broken..) Not to mention all this things you have to build on the “honey to-do list”

5. Picking on mom with me

I’ll still never understand why picking on the people you love is a good thing but it sure is fun and definitely more enjoyable when you’ve got more people on your side.

6. Playing mom when mine was out of town

Anybody who knows me knows im a complete social butterfly, I always wanted to go to all the games and spend the weekends at my friends. Thanks for being the set of wheels I didn’t have and then sharing the car when I finally was able to drive until I got my own.

7. Putting up with my attitude

I was in my teens when you and my mom married and my attitude fit your stereotypical teen attitude. I “hated” my mom and was too cool to do whatever it was you guys were doing. I never directly snapped at you but you were always around when my mom and I were arguing and even reminded me a time or two that I should apologize. Thanks for never giving up on me.

8. Inviting me into your family

It’s almost as scary as it was transferring in high school, meeting new family members. They always freak me out, your family knows you forever and already knows how you are but adding a new person can be intimidating. Yours was SO welcoming and still are! When my mom was away and even being an adult now you always invite me to family functions and that means a lot when mine is so far away.

9. Loving my mom.

This is the most important and easily the one im most thankful for. My mom spent her whole life putting us kids first and doing what she could to provide for what we wanted. It’s SO nice to see someone love her and be there for her the way she always was for us. Thanks for loving her stubbornness.

     I never had a steady father figure in my life that was constantly around. You may not like when I pull in the drive with the bass bumping, leaving unwashed dishes in the sink and all the time I spend on my phone, but despite the lack of words we share daily I truly appreciate all things you’ve done for my family. You comforted through some of the worst years of our life, enjoyed some of the best and put up living with two girls..two stubborn, stubborn girls. Thanks for completing our family and doing the manly things that we don’t want to. We owe you!

until next  time.

xo