I'm that "friend" to God anyways.
I don't go to church every Sunday, and quite frankly I couldn't tell you the last time even that I went to church with the exception of wedding receptions. I don't pray when I wake up, before every meal or before bed. I don't read scriptures out of my bible, I drank before 21, I've had sex out of wedlock, Ive used phrases that are in vain to His name, I work hard for money I want, for things I don't need and I envy many people who live the lifestyle I long for. I cant post bible verses or speak about my faith to others, I would just be another "poser" because of my lack of commitment to something bigger than myself.
Up until my brother passed away, my faith was a lot stronger. I attended things like bible study, youth group and youth for Christ. There was a family I was close with that I joined on Sundays to go to church and I had bible versus that I rewrote and had in my room and over my walls. I was happy with the idea of God. Then he let my brother make a mistake that has forever flipped my life around..the man who controls it all allowed for this to happen and I don't understand. I was SO angry at Him, the one who is supposed to provide those lost with hope, give those with trouble a sign things would get better, and he let me down only a few months later to disappoint again by taking my Grandpa from my family as well. We didn't even have time to go through the phase of losing someone until another was taken. It made me upset and lose very much faith in the man upstairs. What could my family have done so wrong to make him hate us?
So why do I still believe in some higher power that has the ability to control the outcome of life? Am I afraid not to believe in anything at all? Why do I reach out when I've lost my way and need something, anything to believe in but in times of good and happiness I don't thank Him? When I heard the news of my brother my first reaction was to just pray..when my grandpa died, the whole drive up I prayed. For my family, for strength, for comfort in why he had to go. I love the idea of knowing there is life after life. That regardless of what pains we go through here, one day it will all be pain free. I love the idea of knowing that one day I will see them again, all those I lost in this lifetime will once again be in my presence and we can share laughs and love once again. That is my definition of God. Something that you can believe and confide in when you find yourself lost.
You may not believe in Him and I am not trying to discredit whatever form of higher power you do believe in, and the purpose of me writing this is not to convince you, or make you think that I am not worthy of His love and friendship. Thats what is SO great about our version of God, he is so very forgiving. No, I am not worth his love but I feel it anyways. When I play music that speaks of him I feel safe and comfort, when I attended places of worship or hear stories people share on their experiences I am overwhelmed with a feeling only you could feel for yourself. I would never force my beliefs or lack of on you, because what do I have to prove? So regardless if there really is a God or not, the idea of believing in something that can provide us with the hope and love that we lack is something I do believe in.
If any of you are feeling as though you've sinned too much, or you don't 'have time" or it's not worth your time, I am here to tell you that its never too late to believe in something bigger than ourselves. Cause if we lose hope, what do we have?
until next time.
xo
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